Wednesday, Jun. 17, 2009
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I think I have to get out of here. This is no longer just about frazzled nerves or annoyances that won't end. Now it's a serious matter of not belonging. Again I find myself trapped on the outside of this family unit wishing in vain I'd be made a true part of it. The fact is Ashley is their oldest child and I'm just in the way. A misfit who complicates plans and is often made invisible. I'm ignored. talked over, and often forgotten in the scheme of things because it's all about Kim and the girls.
There's no way to really communicate this. I've tried mentioning my stepped on feelings before and was quickly dismissed. So really the only thing I know to do is to remove myself. I'm scared. Moving out makes it all real. Being 25 and alone and life and death and everything. But it's all of that or this miserable existence where my feelings are constantly being stepped on and I feel I simply don't matter much. I'm not expecting my place in this family to change any when I'm gone. I won't feel missed. But hopefully I won't feel so rejected. Like so much of a step-child.
I suppose I have to stop seeking this place in his life. He makes baby steps here and there. Even admitting at times that I was shafted, but that's as far as it goes. Nothing is done to try and fix things. No time is spent really getting to know me. It's all about them. So he can have them. I'm really trying to make it that simple. I think I need it to be.
harlemrain at 11:08 pm