Monday, Apr. 04, 2005
Impending doom
My sorts are all out of place again.
I thought for the first few days of feeling this way that it was probably just being so sick and out of it for an entire week that threw me off.
Now I�m basically over it, except for the on going battle with mucus and a cough that makes me sound like an 85 year old smoker on her last leg, and my sorts are still out of place and something is still nagging at the bottom of my stomach telling me something�s not right.
I�m wondering if this has to do with my summer plans.
The month of July is basically packed non-stop for me with traveling and seeing long distance friends I love and adore and a trip home to see my family.
Then I come home and (hopefully) start school in August.
I read an entry by the fabulous Galaxy that helped me re-realize a huge fear of mine.
I�m a grown up.
This July I turn 21 and according to the majority of the American population and my family I should soon be entering through the responsible doors of adulthood.
This means that when I get used to school, I�ll need to get a job and establish sufficient funds to, within the next few years, move out into the world and learn how to survive on my own.
I know realistically that I should be ok, my mom won�t let me starve and I do have a few years before I�m completely out in the world, but I still know that it�s coming and fast.
This summer is my last summer to be a free kid and to have the ability to in a sense do whatever I want. Come August my new role goes into effect.
Yes from time to time I�ll be able to do things, go out with friends, spend the occasional Saturday locked away from the world watching a marathon of movies.
My personality will be the same, but this new role will always be there nagging me when I act immature or irresponsible.
I don�t want to have to rely on my mom forever, I hate it now when I have to ask for money and feel guilty when she makes jokes about how I�ll be here with her forever.
So I suppose that�s good, my natural instincts know I need to go out on my own. I just don�t understand why it has to be so hard.
Past generations had a hard time so rather than trying to help the future ones they figure we should have to suffer too? Is this really a trend we want to continue?
I don�t. I hope that when I have children I can help make things a little less traumatic for them as my mother has for me.
I can�t pinpoint everything that has me so scared, all I know is that I�m scared and dreading this impending doom of being an adult. The upcoming routine that will probably include full days of doing crap I don�t like to do and shorts nights of barely getting enough sleep. Busting my ass and still coming up short on the bills.
I want to grow up, but I don�t. I know I have to if I want to make it, but I also know there�s always a chance I won�t make it anyway. Or I�ll make it just enough to spend the next 70 years of my life on the edge of insanity and poverty.
I don�t want to spend my life alone, but the idea of dating isn�t all that appealing right now either. Especially since the last guy who asked me out was this greasy, beer bellied, homeless guy in the middle of the public mall back home.
I�m also scared of how freakish I�ll look to some guy I really like when I have to say, �oh and by the way, not only have I never really dated, I�m also a 20-something virgin��
My future�s looking sad on about every level.
Reality sucks.
Adulthood sucks.
This all just sucks.
I want a little house big enough for me and Bazy and maybe someday a live in boyfriend, but small enough that I feel safe and don�t have to spend my life savings annually to pay the bills for it. I want a job I like. I know you can�t live everything all the time, but I�d like to find a job where I can at least tolerate my boss and co-workers and feel like I know what I�m doing.
I liked my job at Dillon�s when I was left alone long enough to do what I was really supposed to be doing. I felt like I was getting things done and for the most part customers seemed to like me. I even had a few that came in regularly and preferred to have me ring them up and/or sack for them. My main complaints were retarded co-workers, a boss who liked to make impossible schedules, and the crummy little store I was stuck in and the area of town it was located in.
All that said, I�d still rather give myself a hysterectomy with a dinner fork and butter knife on the kitchen floor than work in a grocery store again.
I would kinda like to work at Michael�s or a Pet store. We have both of those located a few minutes away from our house.
As for my last free summer, most of my plans have been approved by mom. I�m waiting to hear how much grief Ernie gives her when she gets his �permission� to let me go on my trip with Brynn and Amanda. I told her to make it my birthday and not get me anything else. But I also know that my overall plans this summer are going to be somewhat expensive and giving me money is not something Ernie enjoys no matter the reason.
Think since the weather�s nice I�ll start doing complete trash duty and pitch in where ever else I can.
Really I should do that anyway�
Adulthood, you suck.
harlemrain at 1:06 am