Thursday, Apr. 07, 2005
I need to get more stuff to glue and spend a little less time with myself
Just as a forewarning, I have no idea where this entry�s gonna go.
I usually start my entries knowing what topics or topics I want to talk about, what I want to say and yeah plan it all out. Tonight I don�t have the energy or attention span to plan, but I feel the need to update, so yeah, this is what here.
My attempts to form a more normal sleeping pattern for myself this week as this far failed miserably. Now instead of going to bed as the sun rises, I stay up with it watching movies I could probably go out and rent to watch at a more decent time.
So I�ve been running on 5 and 6 hours of rough sleep a day.
I figure I�ll either give up or eventually become so exhausted that I�ll pass out at a decent time, so while I�m a little annoyed with myself, I�m not too worried about it. I don�t have to add this to my responsible adult stuff to do until August.
Speaking of my future in adult pants, I�ve noticed that my father�s side of the family seems to be disappointed in my new decision to go into Psychology and help kids who need a little extra understanding.
Now I�m confused. When I was going into Music History no one seemed to understand how this was going to become a �real� job or career for me. It was my usually weird artsy fartsy shite that was mostly illogical and thus I probably picked it up from my mother.
Now I want to go into a field where I�ll be aiding society and its youth and helping people and have all kinds of �real� jobs to pick from and I get �Oh� well I guess that�s nice too��
I really don�t get what I�m supposed to do here peoples.
Part of me is curious if its actually disappointment with my career choice or if now I�m going to get �you could have gotten that degree here��.
And you know, its not that I really care anymore, mainly I�m just tired of getting looks and hearing the drop in tone when I tell them.
I can�t really tell them that I really had to move because I knew they�d never let me mature and grown up at the rate I needed to, if at all.
�You know grams, I really had to go hundreds of miles away so I could figure out what I wanted and not have you telling me what to do or giving me judgmental looks all the time. I also needed to get away from the whole food is love thing, cause quite frankly you�re love adds to the fat ass and thunder thighs your genes give me naturally.�
Yeah, she�d be totally understanding of that.
I apparently also needed to get the hell away from my crazy cow of a former step-monster.
She sent me a package.
I was scared to open it at first, cause it was really heavy. So I made my mom listen for ticking sounds and inspect it for evidence of white power�
The cow we�re dealing with here is legitimately crazy.
I opened it to find 3 magazines that looked to belong in my dad�s sacred Elvis collection, a shirt from when my dad was in the academy for the Sheriff�s department, a bracelet my dad wore in high school, a big black and white picture of one of my grandpa�s old cats who�s been gone for like 3 years (one of her many phases included a bought where she thought she was this fantastic photographer), and a card explaining what all of it was (I guess incase I went blind or became seriously retarded), closed with a note saying she�d like to get together with me before I moved. I had a little evil chuckle at that.
I stood at the counter baffled for a minute. Why the hell does she have this stuff and why the hell did she send it to me?
I�m thinking it was sent to me because my dad�s final letter to her was fairly blunt and fairly nasty. From what I�ve been told he said everything just short of �Fuck off forever you crazy ass skank� and her future attempts to contact him would go unanswered and is frequent enough could be met with legal action.
Now we wonder why this stuff was kept and how she got it. I thought it was strange she had the magazines because everything Elvis is kept locked away safely. No one touched the Elvis collection without permission and supervision from my dad. It�s sacred.
The shirt and the bracelet I figured were mine to do something with, aside from my step-sisters, I�m probably the only member of our family who could fit into that shirt and the bracelet is a keepsake from my dad�s �good �ol days�.
The magazines, however, I figured would be wanted back.
Before I called him about it I spent a day debating over whether or not I should e-mail the crazy cow and let her know I got it and say I moved. I know that in theory, to be the best person I can, I should try to make amends with her, become friends, forgive and forget, blah blah blah. I also know that in reality that I�ve worked hard with myself to let go of a lot of things I dealt with while and after living with her. I�ve done a lot of healing and really just want to get on with my life. My new, Krysti free life.
I also know that I have this small part of me lurking inside that wants to see her again so I can tell her in person everything I felt about her. Express my pain over being rejected and mistreated because she couldn�t deal with her own issues. Thank her for aiding in my miserable home life through out high school and verbally kick her ass for leaving in the chicken shit way she did and them try to hang on to me like we�ve been buddies all along.
I have a small, but still sinful, desire to say all this in a very public forum. Making all the pain she gave me very clear.
A bigger part of me reminds this smaller part how horrible I really did feel and my solemn promise to myself that in this life or any after it I will do everything in my power to never ever make another human being feel like she made me feel most of the time. No matter how mean and cruel, hatful, or spiteful they maybe.
No one should ever have to feel that sad and broken because of another human being. Ever.
So I decided that it�s probably for the best that I just don�t respond at all. Make a clean cut and move on. I wish her the best in life and I really wish that she have it all as far away from me and mine as possible.
I took some pictures tonight. I thought about posting them but as I mentioned before, my energy levels and attention span are lacking tonight (I�ve spent like two hours going back and forth from this entry and other stuff so far), so I�ll probably post them with some others I�ve been saving for a �random pictures of my world and things I see and do everyday� type entry. Channeling my inner Galaxy if you will.
Hey, anyone around here know about cats. More importantly their health?
I�ve noticed that Bazy has been drinking a lot more water lately and I�m not sure if I should be worried or not.
She started by drinking out of the tub after my showers. Normal cat thing, no big deal. She also drinks out of my cut in the bathroom if I leave any water in it. Again, fairly normal cat thing. This past week she�s started pestering me to turn the sink on so she can drink the running water. I�ve heard of this before. All normal things, but she does them a lot. She drinks all this water in the bathroom and then goes to her regular water bowl and drinks it like she�s stocking up for a long trip in the desert.
Could she be chugging down in the bathroom because it�s �neat� to her? Like a novelty, �Oh hey this running water just for me is nifty� type thing? Or should I be looking for signs of something being wrong?
She�s due for shots and a yearly check up at the vet, but I�m not sure when I�ll be able to get her in. I guess I�ll just watch her and see if this continues or if any new odd behaviors pop up.
And yeah, I think I�m done now.
Hmm, this is kinda long�.
Oh well, only 3 people really read this and you guys are used to me rambling like a �tard.
Yeah�
I�ll leave you with a funny conversation I had with Amanda.
psychowoggie: my last name's common, so its my middle name thats needed to identify me clearly
Amanda Kat: Yeah...I have that same problem lol
psychowoggie: though, most people with my last name seem to be black
psychowoggie: thats fun
psychowoggie: get a lotta "Who be dis??" phone calls
Amanda Kat: LOL
Amanda Kat: My dad gets calls for the other guys in town with his name, one's a plumber and one's a PI
psychowoggie: lol
Amanda Kat: sometimes we get their Xmas cards too LOL
psychowoggie: LOL
psychowoggie: thats funny
psychowoggie: You should send them cards back
psychowoggie: lol
psychowoggie: send them invitations and announcements for stuff
psychowoggie: lol
Amanda Kat: lool
Amanda Kat: oops
Amanda Kat: lol
psychowoggie: send notes like "We hardly hear from you anymore... do you not like us now?"
Amanda Kat: oh god....I can name their kids, misspell them or something
psychowoggie: haaaaaa
Amanda Kat: send them expired gift certificates lol
Amanda Kat: because I care dontcha know lol
psychowoggie: lmao
psychowoggie: pictures of your pets and abstract things from vacations
Amanda Kat: Wish you were here lol
harlemrain at 1:39 am