Saturday, Aug. 28, 2004
I can see it now: "Mommy want's an orgasm?" "I dunno sweetie I've never had one..."
I just bought an adult toy online.
I doubt anyone has any idea how nervous/embaressed I am about the above statement.
I'm a pretty open minded person, my opinion isn't the only right opinion (most of the time) and basically people can do their own thing, whatever it may be, and as long as it's not forced on me and I'm left to do my thing, I don't really care... make sense?
Sex isn't a subject I usually have huge issues with.... unless it's my sex we're talking about.
I've yet to discover my sexual side, I've never had an orgasm, I've never had sex.
I'm a 20 year old virgin.
I'm not embaressed about being a virgin or deciding to remain one until I find someone I trust and care enough about to "lose" it too (I hate the term "loseing my viriginity", I wouldn't be losing it, I'd know where it was, I'd be giving it away...sharing it, that's better...sharing).
What does bother me is the fact that in the things I've learned through a few college classes I've taken, things I've read and seen, and general experiences I've had I believe that a person's sexuality (or lack there of) does have a fairly important impact on a person's over all being and disposition.
Personally my disposition is frustrated.
I know I have an inner being that I have little idea of how to reach right now.
I don't have a boyfriend for help and truthfully I do see one coming into the picture soon (that's a whole other list of issues ri-chere) so I'm gonna have to help myself.
Besides who better to learn with/from than yourself right?
I actually kinda started this quest last year about this time.
I summoned up courage to timidly approach my mom...
I know what you're saying here- "OMIGOD You asked your MOM????"
Yes I asked my mom. I asked my mom because she has always been very honest with me and answered questions I had before. I didn't know anyone else I was comfortable enough to ask and I knew she would at least steer me towards a place/person that could help if she didn't feel comfortable.
She took me to a store, pointed me in the right direction, and let me make my own decision.
(Yes I know, my mom is beyond frickin awesome and our relationship and ability to be open and honest with each other is a rarity and even odd to outsiders, we don't get it sometimes ourselves, We were born this way so to speak)
What I have is a basic vibrator. It's hard plastic, cold, kinda harsh.
Oh and it sounds like I have a lawn mower in my bed when I turn it on.
Works for some, not for me.
It might have worked had I used it before I heard that some women lose the ability to orgasm during regular intercourse and basically spend the rest of their lives having to use a vibrator to "get off".
It might have worked if I hard thought before hand about the fact that I picked one that has "Hustler" ( as in the magazine) slathered across it in huge red letters and the "instructions" sound like some dirty old man propsitioning a 16 year old girl.
I also found out when I got it home that it's lightly scented...
Supposedly it's supposed to be a soft sweet scent, flowery even (any one else annoyed by the flower-vagina connections?), but to me it smells like a truck stop bathroom air freshner.
Really, this vibrator and I's relationship was doomed from the beginning.
Maybe someday we can try to be friends again, but for now I need a new friend.
I've tried for a year to become comfortable with it and it's just not working.
So after much thought I again summoned up courage to ask my mom's advice.
She told me finding something else was probably a good idea.
I explained that I didn't want to ask her to take me to a store so I wanted to see what I could find on the internet that seemed safe and legitimate.
So for the past few days I've been doing more "research".
I went from seeing things as possible ideas to "do I really think I'd use this?" and "does it fit my budget"
By the way, what the hell is up with all the 100 plus dollar vibrators???
To help the peoples you gotta be accessable to the peoples and the people is on a budget, help the peoples out here...
Some of the stuff I found scared the ba-jesus outta me, including one site that offers dildos in the shapes of religious figures, you know incase you've ever wanted to get off with a crusifix or buddah's head or hey how's about a butt plug in the shape of baby Jesus??
Crazy ass people.
That's one of those things I don't really care to know about, thanks.
I found I don't care for the big sites with thousands of products because while I don't feel ready for person to person transactions (ha! I'm punny and not even trying) to buy a toy, I also don't want to feel like I'm trusting some huge warehouse to find my order.
I finally found an online site for a store that offered advice, felt safe, and had a fair amount of things to choose from, but also wasn't over whelming.
It took me a day or so to reach a final decision on what I wanted, but I finally picked one.
Now I'm curious. What's the best?
What are the pros and cons of dildos and vibrators?
Why are all the "clit stimulators" on dual action vibrators shapped like animals?
I don't want a bunny or a dolphin's face in my crotch... that's not cute, that's creepy.
Why is most straight porn cheesy rip off movies with plastic injected women doing unnatural things to their vaginas?
Why are all the hot guys in gay porn??
What books are best - instructional and erotic fiction?
Personally I think reading would be better than movies because you can see it happen how you want, but I don't care for "Mary-Jane" stories (meaning stories that are written basically like a bad porno from a first person perspective)... I've found a few online I liked a lot and a time or two thought about looking at the erotic book section at Borders, but as usual chickened out.
I feel kinda weird having all these questions, but at the same time I'm fairly sure I'm not alone...
I don't want a life that begins and ends with having sex, I really just want to be comfortable with my sexual being and be able to encourage her to grow and I guess make me a so called normal person.
harlemrain at 3:31 am