Friday, Oct. 03, 2008
Inside my head
I feel like poop but I know I'm still thinking too much to sleep. I'm so tired of this infection. My ears hurting is probably the worse thing ever to me. I really should sleep. Mom has a new job and I know I should be happy but instead I'm not so sure about it. I don't like being left home alone with Captain jerkface and I also think this so called mom and pop business is going to screw her over. She has to pay some fee out of her own tips when a customer uses a credit card. What the hell is that? When will I be first to someone? I don't have to be the favorite or all time top anything, just think of me first once and let me know I matter as much as others matter to me. I'm tired of things I enjoy and days that are actually not so bad or even good getting shit on by people I didn't even know or talk to. Being brought down via someone else's harshing feels so much worse than having to done to me directly because I can't even do anything about it. I really hope she didn't mean what she said or at least that shed really call me first. I don't think I couldn't handle her doing it. I really want an answer on what to do about these two jobs. Everyone seems to be pushing the bank but I wonder if it's for the right reasons or just the money and retail being deemed so lowly. Maybe I'd be incredibly happen making minimum wage and selling lotion Maybe lotion is my calling, did anyone think of that? It's not though. The bank probably is better, I just really, really need that guy to call back first so I don't have to worry about juggling Bath and Bodyworks. I'm so tired of feeling tested. WHY CAN'T I JUST HAVE ONE THING BE EASY TO DO? WHY AM I ALWAYS SO CONFLICTED AND LEFT FEELING WRONG? I'm not really ready to go yet but being here in this position in this part of my life still is so miserable. Always in limbo. Limbo Lauren. How low can she go? I think I've found the bottom where it absolutely has to get better because that is really just it, the bottom of the pile of shit and then suddenly I realize I'm falling again and more shit is piling up and I really think I was guided incorrectly into this life. Who seriously let me make all the stupid decisions I did? When was I suddenly deemed the adult who had the right to completely fuck up what was a very promising future? I think it's because I'm a runner. I run from things because I don't want trouble but then I get caught up in twice as much bullshit in the end and goddamn it I just want some help. I want one person to not say "Well it's your life so you have to decide" and just give me a fucking freebie and tell me where the fuck to go on this. I hate money. It just makes life so much more complicated than it has to be and because this society values it so much we're crumbling to the ground. I'm tired, I think it's time to sleep.
harlemrain at 5:03 am