Monday, Mar. 01, 2004
I've Got a Little Memory Here
I had a friend in high school named Andrew. Andrew and I had an interesting relationship to say the least.
First off you need a visual of him. He was probably about 6'2, with very light blond hair (to match his very pale skin) that was in a near crew cut style and he often wore black pants with his huge black boots ( his feet were about the size of my head) and his black trench coat that I told him once I was taking with me on a trip to Bolivia to use as my tent. Dude was a big guy.
I met him in the beginning of my sophomore year through my friend Kellie. Kellie and I had the same taste in music (classic rock forever man) and Andrew was Kellie's boyfriend. We didn't really talk much at first, he didn't know me and I was scared to death of this huge albino looking ape that inhaled at least two lunches everyday.
Then one day while in the midst of a conversation about sex education I made some comment about the whole "every time you have sex with someone its like having sex with everyone they've ever had sex with" thing and in my best stoner/surfer voice said "Killer man, orgy!" without really thinking about what I was saying.
The whole table starting cracking up with laughter and to my surprise he was laughing the hardest of all. That started further conversation and the next lunch period he took it a step further and started talking to me.
Over the next two years I got to know Andrew fairly well and even had a class or two with him. We usually got on fairly well, but it always seemed to hang in the air that we really only knew each other through Kellie, so we were friends, but not �buds� or anything like I was with my other male friends.
Since Kellie was a year ahead of us, she graduated while we were Juniors and actually was gone most of the second semester as she only had to take two or three classes and wasn�t there for lunch. Her pending graduation and going off to college was starting to loom over our lunch table like a black cloud of doom.
To make a very story short, they started fighting quite a bit and in the end decided it was best that they break up so she could go off to college and he could finish high school without the stress of all that.
The first week after this decision was a bit hard for him and I did my best to be there for him and give what comfort I could, but still keep the distance that showed that I was doing this as a friend and because I cared.
Around the middle of the week I noticed Andrew had a thing for holding my hand. I didn't say anything because I thought I was just me being paranoid. But after a week of it and finally after two other people who sat with us pulled me aside and asked me what the hell was goin on, I decided maybe it wasn�t just me.
I�m not exactly someone the opposite sex goes nuts over so I didn�t have the foggiest idea what to say or do, so I decided just to lay it out for him. I have the normal urges for sex too, but I�m not feeding �em until I�m a) married, b)seriously in love, or c) seriously desperate at 30, since none of those apply here keep you hands to yourself or I�m gonna have to go medieval on your hiney. I was a little more tactful in person, but you get my drift.
He told me he understood, but continued to stare at me when he didn�t think I was paying attention and other little things that grew and eventually drove me batty.
Senior year was rough for our entire little �clique� or group, whatever the heck we were, all of us snapped at one point or another. Personally I was starting show signs of strain from the start of the year feeling burn out and exhaustion that wouldn�t go away. I was depressed from that and the seriously unhappy house I lived in and just generally didn�t like having to get up everyday and face a world I felt defeated by. Andrew was dealing with his own depression and for help/healing reached out o me as he did before.
This time however I wasn�t as eager to reach back. He had never quite gotten the complete idea that I wasn�t ever going to be interested in dating him or that we couldn�t be �friends with benefits� either. He just wasn�t getting into my pants, that�s all there was too it.
I really did want to be a good friend to him and be there for him, but I started getting impatient with him and starting feeling like all he wanted to do was whine to me. I�d try to help him fix things and he wouldn�t put any effort into it, he�d just whine. So I�d get impatient, a few times I yelled at him, other times I�d just tell him I didn�t know what to tell him.
We did have moments were we could talk to each other like people and one day I felt particularly lonely and needed someone to listen to me and at least try to understand what I was feeling and help me try to find some way to heal myself.
Then one day in April he pulled me aside from our usual group �hang out in the parking lot after school because we�re hard core like that� spot and showed me something he�d written in his journal for me.
I have never had anyone write anything like this for me.
I wasn�t sure I wanted to read it, especially after he told me he thought about me almost every night alone in his room� but I decided to since he asked me to.
The Chance
Because of you, I have wanted to make a change. To rebuild. To renew my efforts at living. You gave a chance. I want to tell you what you mean to me, every time I could look into your eyes I saw a cool colored reflection of your soul. You have suffered greatly since we met. Though I wanted to help you I didn�t. But you opened to me one day. And I wanted to life the pain and suffering from you. You never deserved that, few ever would. You are unmatched, and unstoppable. Your power of presence is only matched by your beauty. I thank you for your patience, your caring, and conscience. And most of all your love. And this I can never repay you, but in my presence, my listening, and my caring for you. You truly are a person I love.
�Without you everything falls apart, without you its not as much fun to pick up the pieces.� Trent Reznor NIN �The Perfect Drug�
I wasn�t sure how to react to this. I was touched, shocked, confused, surprised, and a teensy tiny bit creeped out. I didn�t know how to react, what to say, what to do.
Thanked him for it, told him it was very kind and touching, he moved to hug me, so I hugged him, then he gathered his things and went home.
He never mentioned the poem again and we went along, business as usual for the next month a half left of school, then one the last day for us seniors I was passing my signature book around to my friends telling them to put any praises, comments, insults, pictures, bombs, drug paraphernalia, or whatever else they wanted me to remember them by inside. When I got home I was flipping through and found the page from Andrew�s journal with the poem one it tucked in by the page he signed. At the top he added Because what I wrote in your year book could have been better.
I�ve seen Andrew once since we graduated. I didn�t get to talk to him much because I was with Heather and she didn�t give either one of us a chance to say much of anything.
I�ve heard he�s still around town and has a new girlfriend.
I think about him from time to time and wonder what he�s doing. Hope life panned out for him. I never got the chance to tell him that even though I was a grumpy beast most of the time, he really did mean a lot to me as a friend.
harlemrain at 12:59 am