Friday, Dec. 10, 2004
One of my deep dark secrets
After my last entry, I think I know what could be at least a part of what is making me feel funky.
I had a memory I don't care for much at all sneak up on me today.
When I was about 8 or 9 I discovered that public restrooms had awesome acoustics.
I used to belt my heart out basically whenever I was in one. I didn't even think about the awesome acoustics carrying out to pretty much anyone who was around.
Finally my mom let me know I was heard. She was quiet and descrite about it, but I was scarred by the realization none the less.
In fact its the only real memory I have that makes me want to curl up in a ball and die.
I sang in some very public places, places full of people who knew my mom.
I feel sick thinking about it. My tummy wraps itself up in all of these tiny knots and moans as if in agony.
Of all the retarded and stupid things I've done in my 20 years of existance, this is the one thing I just can't seem to shake.
I think part of it is that I don't know just how long heard me before my mom told me about. I don't know just how many people I made such a fool of myself in front of.
One of the things I really hated when I was younger was being laughed at, so I guess that could be another reason why this has stuck with me.
Its odd though, how this horiffic incident seems to leave my mind for a while and then ever so slowly creeps back in making me feel like that mortified 8 year old again. I start shaking a bit, tears welling in my eyes as I wonder why this one moment in my past won't let me go.
I remember one time in particular it got to me.
I was a sophomore in High School and for the first time ever got the courage to try out for a solo at contest.
I found two reallly pretty songs that fit my voice and my Nazi Music teacher actually agreed to let me go for it.
I work on them in private with the lady who played piano and got to where I felt fairly good out how I sounded with them.
Then our teacher decided we needed to sing for the class of 85 and have them critique us.
All of a sudden I had vivid flashbacks of my mom pulling me aside, feeling like such a idiot, I started shaking so bad my knees almost gave out from under me as I rushed to the bathroom to throw up.
I went home sick and the next class period I dropped my solos.
I haven't even thought of singing in front of people since.
I gave up any dreams I had of being a singer and actually haven't thought about being in a choir without feeling slightly sick since.
I really wish I could find so way to make this one memory disappear, but I can't seem to figure out how.
I haven't ever really talked about it with anyone other than a brief comment to my mom once that it still made me feel ill to think about it.
I'm not sure why I'm speaking of it in a fairly public platform now... maybe I can let go of part of it... just a little bit would be some relief for me.
harlemrain at 1:20 am