Monday, Aug. 11, 2003
I'm only dying in a figuritive sense...
Well I'm supposedly not dying, but I'm still bleeding and have as my mom likes to put it "torn muhself a new asshole".
Sounds nice huh?
Feels great, especially after I was violated via anal probing.
Beeotchs.
They say I should be ok though.
I don't have E. Coli and i don't have a bacteria eating my insides.
They don't know what I nearly passed out today and they think I have IBS (duh).
I don't know what to do about my father or why he seems to dislike me so much.
Maybe his new daughters can be more perfect and fill in the obvious voids I left in his life by not being a cheer leader or an athelete.
Maybe at least one of them will be popular and strive to be everything everyone else wants her to be so he can live life through her.
I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment to you.
I'm sorry I don't have talent, or a lot of cool friends.
I'm sorry I'm shy and too emotional.
I'm sorry I was made a little bit smarter and not pretty.
I'm sorry that sometimes I got B's instead of A's.
I'm sorry I couldn't be happy living with you because you don't hide that you don't understand me.
I'm sorry I'm not the child you dreamed of having.
I tried to be, but I guess I'll just never make it.
I really am sorry daddy.
I'm tired of crying because I feel like such a terrible person.
I really don't think I'm that bad.
I can be bitchy sometimes, but don't think I'm so henious that I'm unbearable.
I'm tired of being heartsick because my father changes his mind about me so much.
One second he loves me and he's proud of me and then he turns and changes his mind.
I'm "lazy" and "need to get a job to pay for my own expenses".
Last time I checked I lived with my mother who told me I didn't need to worry about a job for a while.
I don't even have a bedroom at my father's house.
The one time I've stayed there in the past 6 months, I slept on a short cot in the middle of the front room.
I wish I wasn't so scared to do something about it.
Just be able to say something without fearing he'd stop loving me or would shut me out.
I love my father so much and know he can be a great dad, but he just doesn't seem to think I'm the kid he wants I guess.
I wish I knew what to do outside of crying to my mom or to Lindsey.
I'm tired of dumping everything on them.
I'm just so tired of hurting from my heart out.
harlemrain at 10:10 pm