Sat, Jan. 18 & Sun, Jan 19, 2003
*heavy sigh* (Anger warning)
I wanna cry, I wanna scream, I wanna disappear, I really just want to be happy again.
I don't think I know how to do that anymore.
I think I found some trust in Kim today, maybe I'm finally letting her through my shell.
The kids were still a bit much, but hey, baby steps.
The day lasted a little longer than I figured it would and I came into comtact with way more people than I thought, so that made me kinda cranky, and that fact that I had to come home to happy land. *sighs*
I guess they had the much antisipated fight and of course I'm the origin. I don't wana be negative around him, but I don't really feel I have the choice.
It's like I either have to give back what my spine allows me to or just not be around him, which I can't do because that means I'd never see my mom. Because god forbid he should have to entertain himself for more than fifteen minutes.
I know I'm a little more dependant on my mom than some peoples my age, but damn, at least I can handel being apart from her for longer than a few hours.
I feel stuck. I know I couldn't handel living on my own yet. There's no way in hell I'd take one of my friends as a roommate and I really don't feel living with my dad's an option.
I mean, this should be motivation to become more independent, but I dunno where the hell to start. Everything scares the hell outta me.
*sighs* I dunno, maybe if I wish hard enough I can make myself disappear and then everyone will be happy again.
I guess I'll try outta site outta mind and stay the hell away from him all that possible, but it's probably gonna bite me in the ass.
I DON'T WANNA FIGHT WITH YOU, WHY CAN'T YOU GET THAT???? *stomps feet in a mad rage, screaming*
Might as well be a brick wall, seeing how he's "just a stubborn old man, set in his ways", damn that irks me to no end.
I think I like him blaming his stroke better, at least then he had hope cause was sure he was gonna die if he forgot his medicine, now he's just mopey and acts like he's nothing to look forward to.
Why can't I go back to being a kid again? Just got to school, do homework,and watch cartoons, on the weekends go see my grandparents. Yeah we bickered then, but at least he pretened to like me a third of the time.
I don't like feeling like all I can do is being mean to him, but I dunno how else to act when he's attacking my dad without knowing the whole situation, attacking me because I've done something to remind him of something he doesn't like in himself or because I'm not like something out of Mister perfect's cookie cutter storybook world or when he makes jokes that hurt my feelings, he outta know they hurt my feelings, and I really can't stand to sit by and watch him treat mom like crap when she's the only person who really puts up with him.
Ya know it outta be obvious that mom doesn't like comments about things she's sensitive about. So hey let's imply she's stupid, or a bad wife, or hey here ya go, rip her kid apart and make her feel like a terrible parent. That's great thanks. I'm sure thats just what she needs after spending nine hours at a job she hates, in meetings that keep her from getting her work done, so it adds to her stress.
Yeah so I'm a negative, well my mom is too,and I don't think either of us are to blame. How can you be positive in our situations?
I don't want pity, and I certainly wouldn't want you to put yourself out and ask for a little understanding, but how about some fucking space?? If I can leave mom alone for how ever long she needs for her personal time, then you should to, do something in return for all the extra attention, babying, bending, compromising, and tounge biting she does for you.
If you can't think that way, then here..do it for yourself. Fuck anyone can see that if you give mom time to be left alone, regroup her thoughts, work out what ever she needs to or hey no think at all, she's gonna be happier to be around. Fuck she may even cook dinner for you. God knows all good wives do.
Ya know what else would be nice. Giving me more than fifteen fucking minutes in a day to see my own mother. She was my mother before she was your nursemaid.
You see her before work, at work, after work, you get to wake her up when you want to rant in the middle of the night and I get to see her...... for like two minutes in the morning and maybe, just maybe if you happen to be throwing a fit or sulking, I can play a game of pool with her for an hour. But ya know what, that ends up being a bit of a bummer because you've usually influenced us with your oh so positive vibes and it becomes a bitch fest.
Yeah everyone needs to vent once in a while, but I'm tired of always being pissed at you because you're so freakin hard to live with. I wanna be able to laugh and joke with my mom like I did when I was young. I'm angry at you for takin that away from me because you're crushing her spirit. Thanks a lot.
Ya I love you, but right now, I sure as hell don't like you.
And goddamn it, I DON'T WANNA FIGHT WITH YOU!!!!!!
harlemrain at 12:06 pm (update at 3:30 a.m.)