Sunday, Dec. 05, 2004
Love is thicker than water, like depends on your dosage of meds
Oh what a day.
It started fairly desent, turned to gut shaking shit, and ended somewhat desent.
I made a comment to Ernie that came out way sharper and ruder than I intended and it sent him on a hissy fit.
Fo a change I tried to shout back a bit, but I'm just not good at that sort of thing.
I was shaking so bad I thought my joints were going to come unhinged and I barely controlled the body wracking sobs that threated to start.
I refuse to cry in front of him anymore, but I cry at the mention of hightened emotions, good or bad.
Also a change, I didn't hold on to it. I figured he'd hold his usual grudge, do and say everything possible around me (but not to me) that he could to try and make me feel guilty, but I can't afford to react to that anymore.
I don't like knowing he's angry, but I dislike how sick I feel when I hold on to it even more.
It's his choice to be harsh and cruel and my choice how I react.
I apologized whole heartedly and he did his usual "I'm sorry isn't enough" crap, which to me basically means, "I say shit without meaning it all the time so I assume other people can be as crappy as I am sometimes."
Again, thats his loss.
I really wish he'd pay attention to the world sometimes and see that it can be a desent place to be, not everyone is out to get him or screw him over and just because he refuses to care about people doesn't mean they won't still care about him.
Anyway, he was talking to me some after we left the theater (we saw the Incredibles.... very awesome movie!!) and through it was stiff, it was still enough to calm me down.
He;s going out of town Monday so hopefully he'll come back and things we'll be back to normal, if not before then.
I really do love him a lot, he's not always nice or rarely sensitive to those around him, but for some reason I don't think my world would be the same without him.
....
Or his new happy pills. I love those to and the doctor who gave them to him.
On another note, has anyone heard the newer John Mayer single "Daughters"?
Wowsers yos.... just wowsers.
harlemrain at 12:15 am