Thursday, Apr. 13, 2006
Meaning
You know how in movies when they depict a person being born with a soul that reincarnated too soon or for some other reason is born without a purpose or born when they shouldn't be is evil?
I wondered today on the drive home from school if maybe that's way off base.
What if someone born too soon/without purpose/generally born when shouldn't been, or even served their purpose and is now just kinda lingering around looks normal. They try to be normal and happy, but things just never seem to click and work for them. Something's always out of place or missing. Something just feels so...off.
I wondered in the car on the way home today if I was one of these people.
Maybe that's why I feel so empty and alone all the time. I'm empty because there's no purpose for me. Happynesss never lasts long because it's meant for other people who have actual reasons to be here.
Could God make a mistake like that?
Put me here and allow my family to love me before he realized it was a mistake and now it's too late. Could he have done that?
I don't think I'd be angry if I found out he had. I might even be relieved. It would explain a lot.
Or maybe I've served my purpose and now I'm just kinda in limbo.
I suck at life. I don't mean that in an "oh woe is me" emo kid kinda way. I just suck at it. It's a fact.
Everyone around me is getting things figured out and has a path their supposed to be on and a general idea of who, what, and where they're supposed to be. And me, I'm and alone and no matter how hard I try to help myself or other try to help, things always come back to this.
When I'm happy, have moments of joy, it generally turns out to be wrong. Like I should be doing something else other than being happy at the moment or the thing I love disappears some how.
I've had goals. I had big dreams when I moved here. I wanted to teach. I wanted to help carrying on history. My dream was killed.
So I decided that I'd try helping those who felt similar to myself. I'd be a therapist who cared and understood rather than simply analyzed, judged, and used text book treatments. I'm realizing now that I probably can't ever do this either because I'm not smart enough to get through school.
How am I going to get a maters or PHD if I can't manage a bachlors degree? How can I help anyone else when I'm drowning within myself, unable to help me?
I'm lost. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I'm tired of being a disappointment. I'm sad.
I'm sensitive. I'm sensitive to the opinions of other about me because I honestly think that maybe if I find someone who seems to really like me, maybe somehow I'll learn to like myself. But that defeats itself in the process because I never believe anyone really likes me. I think thats why I try so hard to be funny. It's all I have. It brings me small moments of joy and masks how empty I feel at other times.
If I have no purpose, I wish the Divine would let me know, it'd take a lot of weight off my shoulders. It would answer a lot of questions and maybe some how make the emptyness hurt less.
My mom almost had an abortion. She chose instead to have me, she says something told her I should be born.
So it could be that I was supposed to be here for her when she needed something to keep her going after she divorced my dad.
I'm confused and lost. I don't know which direction is which.
I don't know what to do with me anymore.
harlemrain at 6:45 pm