Wednesday, Feb. 15, 2006
Fat
I'm currently fatter than I think I have ever been.
I long for the small spare tire I languished over in the mirror in high school. I should be so lucky to be that thin ever again.
I could cry about genes and point out that many members of both sides of my family are over weight. I can lie and say that I'm fine because the rest of the "real" people in the owrld are over weight too.
But the fact is I'm uncomfortable in my body. My upper arms are getting too big for some of my t-shirts. My stomach bulges over the side of my jeans and is to the point that a hoodie or baggy t-shirt won't completely hide it anymore.
I spent my childhood feeling awkward in my growing body, whish it would hurry up and grow up so maybe I could balance out and feel normal. I agnoized over my big nose and gummy smile which also makes my apple cheeks poke out. I got braces to fix a gap in my front teeth.
I've finally grown up, bt now find that my body is still an uncomfortable place to be.
I'm getting too big to dress my age. trendy clothes are not cut in anything bigger than an XL and the XL isn't as big as it used to be, especially when stretched over my broad shoulders and fat stomach.
I get caught in vicious circles where I shame myself into working out one night, swearing I'll do it again the next, but it never happens. Because I'm too tired or he's down there working, or I'll just do it tomorrow.
I don't want to be model thin, I just want to wear a single digit size, even if its a 9. I want my skinny arms back and a smooth back. Not perfect, just comfortable and not revolting to look at.
harlemrain at 10:24 pm