Monday, Sept. 13, 2004
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I feel like poo today.
Itchy, burny, dizzy, cranky, weird dream having, hard sleeping, not sure what the heck is going on poo.
I'm not really sure what happened.
I felt great last night, things seemed like they were getting or soon to be getting done, I have a week full of study guides for next week week full of tests, alll the good shows are starting on TV this week, going to the fair this weekend, cars all pretty and repainted again, things seemed pretty good.
Then I went to bed and had the roughest night of sleep I have ever had in my life.
I must have had 8 dreams and every single one verged on being a nightmare. So I was jolted awake 8 times and everytime I felt grogy and confused and sore as heck.
I was seriously on my way to getting up to get some homework done, but I hurt so bad and felt sick and just couldn't move.
I spent most of the evening feeling sick to my stomach and dizzy and heck.
I'm looking at a 3/4 finished paper due Wednesday, but I dunno if I have the strength to keep my eyes focused to get it typed.
It's kinda freaky. I don't know whats going on.
Did I make some big cosmic mistake I don't know about?
I can't really afford to miss any school this week so I'm hoping this is just some crazy 24 hour mix up with my body chemistry.
My dad never called me back this weekend so I'm not sure what condition to expect Kim in tomorrow. I really hope shes ok and on the more selfish level I hope she doesn't expect too much. Whether she and my dad know/care about it or not I have things to do during the week and having one less class doesn't give me oodles of free time. It just means I have an hour or so here and there to take a breather.
Part of me is trying the other extreme in my realtionship with him by wanting to cut off seeing him completely.
So again I find myself with inner conflict about what's the "right" thing to do and whats really going to work.
I really can't look at him and say "You're shit as a father to me, I'm raised, it's been too real for me, I'm going back to my mommys, see you at Christmas..maybe."
I don't really want to say that... all of me anyway.
I think a big issue here is I don't like confrontation and all I get from my dad is one big unneeded confrontation after another. I'm at a point where it seems like he's asking me to come over to his house just so he can yell at me some more.
I don't like being at that house, I don't like dealing with people I feel are being forced on me as family. I'm tired of going over there and being bombarded with Ashely's "I missed my big sister" crap.
That kid's gonna be all kinds of frickin trouble in the not so distant future.
I don't trust that kid.
Call me cruel to say that about an 8 year old if you will, but I've seen it happen before and I'm watching her mom miss all kinds of signs that things need to be handled now rather than passed off as "phases".
I just really resent this whole situation.
I was told I was doing this rather than asked, then I was treated like I'm a complete moron and as if I have nothing better to do...
*whimper*
I don't wanna think about this anymore.
harlemrain at 10:32 pm