Monday, Feb. 28, 2005
Self cleaning for a fee
I'm in a current state of semi-happyness that I haven't had in a long time and it's very nice to be here.
I didn't sleep very well last night, or this morning I guess I should say.
I was up till about 7 watching "Thunderheart" with Val Kilmer and having an inner dialogue with myself and God.
I finally managed to begin letting go of something that's been bothering me for a while now and I'm sure that it's a big part of why I feel so much better today.
I think part of the reason I worry so much about not being a good person is the fact that I have so many things locked up inside me that I'd rather not share with anyone else because of the shame I'd feel and the damage I fear they'd do to the relationships with people.
Over the past year or so I've learned to start letting things go and accept the past and use my past examples to keep the future from being a repeat (if any of that makes sense).
I've gotten fairly good at letting go of some of the old and keeping newer things from becoming the little festering worries that older ones are. But every now and agains omething comes up or resurfaces that for whatever reason is hard for me to let go of. Usually it's something I've done or didn't do, or said or should have said. Basically something I felt I could have controlled better, but didn't and now it sits inside me festering and making me sick with regret and rememberance of it.
Ideally I know I should talk to someone, like a therapist, about these things and not hold them within myself, but I truly believe that its better if I keep them to myself.
Why share something negative with others and risk damaging their thoughts of you or worse risk ruining a relationship?
Somethings are better left unsaid and kept to oneself.
*12:19*
I am so grounded from Ebay now.
I lost an auction for a much coveted Barry Gibb cd so I went to Amazon to find it and instead bought a few other things.
I have like 28$ left on my credit card now.
Damn shipping.
I'm grounded.
I'm also vaccuming the house and helping with dishes and whatever else I can for a while.
Bad Lauren, bad. No more spending for you.
I promise to behave from now on mommy. I really do.
I can work it off, honestly.
harlemrain at 10:14 pm