Monday, May. 19, 2003
Why???
I've finally stopped shaking and crying.
My eyes burn and my body aches, and I feel useless.
I told my dad last night that I would go se Kim today. So she wouldn't have to be left alone with herself.
Being a person who often finds hateful thoughts when left alone, I understand not wanting to be left alone with your demons.
I also wanted to go to show her that despite my tendensy to act distant and closed off, I really do care about her and would do anything I could to help.
I'm worried about her, I'm worried about my dad, and I'm worried about the girls.
I'm assuming they're both putting on brave faces for the girls, obviously a 4 and 6 year old wouldn't really understand the idea of mom being raped.
I'm 18 and her step-daughter and I don't understand it completely.
I just pray God gives my dad the strength to stay strong and help himself through his anger.
I get a lot of my temper from my dad, the explosive side anyway.
Its basically one of those things where no one knows just how angry we are until we explode and rip someone apart.
My dad's been a sheriff's officer for almost 14 years and this is the first time a serious crime has hit so close to home.
He's lost a few friends in the mine of duty, but no one has attacked a family member before.
For the past 5 years, he's been a detective. 4 years ago he was prompted to the Missing and Exploited Children's Unit. Meaning he works with sexually abused children.
His job has been getting to him a lot lately. Especially now that he's got two new children in his life that are around common ages of children he works with.
I'm worried about him dealing with this and how angry he is and then being at work and having to deal with people who are doing things like this to children.
I'm scared he's going to snap and lose it.
He cried on the phone last night as he told me about what happened.
I haven't heard or seen my father cry since he and my mom told me they were getting a divorce 14 years ago.
He got misty eyed the day I moved out, but he didn't really cry.
I cant even describe how he sounded last night or today when I talked to him.
The closest I could come is...empty.
Just so empty and broken. I can't even imagine how lost and angry he feels. I could sense some guilt in his voice when he told me he was going back to work today.
I did my best to reassure him. Telling him that starting back at a more normal routine is the first major step at recovery for her and him.
But I can understand feeling guilt.
I feel like a complete piece of shit.
I was such a snot after lunch on Tuesday.
I've told her I love her and care for her very much, but really don't show it a lot.
God, I'm just so damn angry.
She's such a good person. Has such a big heart and now she has to live with this.
I know God does things for a reason and all that stuff, but what the fuck in the point of this?
She didn't do anything to deserve this. I don't think anyone could ever do anything to deserve this.
I've never really hated anyone in my life. I've come close once before, but never purely hated.
Now I hate two men I've never seen before.
I'm so angry I'm confused.
I've got so many worries for her, my dad, my sisters...
My stomach's been churning since my dad called.
I'm scared to eat, I'm pretty sure I'd end up repeating it because my emotions are still so strong.
I just wish I could do something supstancial to help.
I did call her. When I called dad earlier he said she was going grocery shopping with her friend Tammy, she was her maid of honour, so I didn't want to be in the way.
I figured being with Tammy could do her more good than me.
But I called her to let her know I'm here and willing to do anything I can to help.
I'll probably stop by tomorrow if I get my stuff together to enroll and can get home in time to go to the doctor.
I think I may call again tonight.
I don't wanna seem like I'm in their faces though, ya know?
I wanna help, but I don't want it to seem like it takes something horrific to make me act like I care.
I can still remember how pissed off I was when I recieved flowers from Krysti and the e-mail asking how I was like she all of a sudden cared. And all I was dealing with was a gall bladder gone bad.
I don't have a clue how I'd handle all this.
I can kinda imagine how I might feel, just with as sensitive I am with being touched. God I hurt so bad for her when I think about what she could be feeling.
I was worried about going over there today because I don't wanna say or do something stupid to trigger her just because I'm such a mess.
God, I'm just so confused still.
Why her, why someone so pure of heart?
harlemrain at 11:50 am