Thursday, Aug. 28, 2003
I still hurt
Maybe a few things were mended tonight, I don't know.
I feel heartsick and still have thoughts of not existing coming through my mind.
I guess thats the cowards way out though.
I wouldn't have to deal with all this if I wasn't here.
He told me that he's left my mother twice because of me.
I resent that.
If he left because of my existance, he wouldn't have come back.
If I'm such an awful child why are you here?
I'm not going away.
I looked around my closet today and too a mental note of how many boxes I might need to move.
I thought even harder about packing a bag and going to my dads.
But then I realized that I wouldn't belong there anymore than I feel like I do here.
I just want to feel wanted, like someone wants me around because I'm me.
My head hurts and I feel heartsick.
I don't feel like much will get better.
I don't understand why God keeps me alive and yet someone somewhere who deserves to live and continue the amazingly good things they do in the lives of those around them is slipping away.
I don't give anything to society.
I have nothing to give.
I'm not a positive person to be around, I have no money to give to charity and I have to out standing intelligence to offer for anything.
I'm a waste of space.
I don't have a purpose.
Why am I here?
Why am I left to go on living with these feelings?
I don't wantt o take medication for depression because it seems pointless to me.
I might as well do cocaine.
I don't want some pill to be the only thing that keeps me going...keeps me happy.
I want true happyness.
I want to feel it from my soul out.
harlemrain at 8:57 pm