Friday, Aug. 29, 2003
Two houses divide me
I feel more human today.
My tummy's a bit sore and I'm sleepy but that could also be the long over due rain that's been falling on and off since about 9:30 last night.
I know all my pain isn't just wrapped up in this house, but last night everything just took over.
I still haven't heard from my dad about shopping this weekend.
It bothers me a bit more than usual because I know he's off all day.
Which means Megan probably got to stay homr or at least come home early from the babysitters and Ashley will have him there to pick her up from school.
I used to love it when he'd pick me up from school.
I probably would have loved it in high scholl if I didn't always get some speech about being unresponsible for missing the bus or being a social retard because I had no friends to get a ride home with.
I never told him that I could have easily gotten a ride hom with kids in our neughborhood, but most of them were involved heavily in the drug trafficing he was so firm in me avoiding.
I usually missed the bus because I helped another girl who couldn't walk well get to where she was supposed to met her mother, by the time I had reached the buses, they were leaving or gone.
The walk home was over 2 miles, usually in blustry weather.
I know Ernie can't and won't be a father figure to me.
I wouldn't ever ask him to be.
The core of why is the fact that it wouldn't be fair to his own children.
Especially his daughter from his second marriage.
I dunno why, but I do think it would hurt Angie to find out her dad was being a father figure for me when she felt he was never there for her.
I wouldn't want anyone to feel even a small twinge of the pian I feel when I watch my father raise Tony's children.
They go one family outtings, vacations, sit downt o dinner every night, he knows everything going on in their lives.
Meanwhile he has no idea that I got a 4.0 last semister, that I've been battling illness for the past few months, that my eyes are finally after 17 years showing real signs of improvement, that meeting Rick Allen and Phil Collen was one of the most amazing things I've ever experienced, that I've seen several movies lately that have moved me and inspiried me.
I doubt he has any idea what classes I'm in this semister and I actually gave him a schedule!
I get so angry, so hurt...sick, when I see him with them, a second chance for them to have a father and I have none.
I don't even have to have someone to call daddy, I just want someone to be a father figure.
Teach me the things me father won't.
Do things with me my father's too busy to do.
Oh, but I guess I forgot I'm 19 now, my need for a father should be gone now.
Ashley and Megan are "just little girls", it's obvious they probably need my father more than I do.
It's not like I still have things to learn, or need advice or wisdom, or someone to cry to.
No, I just became a fully functional, all knowing adult all of a sudden.
My mom's beyond amazing and has always done her best tof ill his shoes if she could, but I want him...need him.
harlemrain at 3:42 pm