Thursday, Aug. 28, 2003
I want out so bad it hurts
If you know me, care about me, love me, whatever...just know this is how I feel. I won't really harm myself, but I can't hold these thoughts inside anymore, I need to put them somewhere.
Last night as I sat with my feet dangling in the deep end of our swimming pool, I realized suddenly how easily I could have slipped in and disappear.
No this isn't a cry for attention or help.
This is just someone tired of living the life they've somehow unwittingly chosen.
The only thing that stopped me was the thought of my mom hurting becauseof something else I've done wrong and the fact that you can't go to heaven if you kill anyone, yourself being a someone.
I'm tired of hurting because of him.
I don't understand why I'm such an awful person to be around.
Krysti hated me.
Ernie Hates me.
My father's severaly disappointed in me.
I'm tired of waking up and wondering why I did.
I can't Ijust go to sleep and not wake up?
Why can't I wrap myself up in my warm blankets and just disappear.
Make it like I never existed.
Then it wouldnt hurt mom, or my grandparents, or anyone else because i was never here.
I hurt enough with they way I see myself everytime I look in the mirror, why do I need to hrut because of how someone like him sees me?
What about me is so awful?
The only reason I think I long for a boyfriend so much is to have someone who's on myside.
The hope of somehow finding someone who cares about me and not the other people I deal with.
Someone to make me feel not so alone.
I'm tired of feeling lonely.
I've felt lonely since I can remember.
Now I feel lonely and unwanted.
For two years all I heard was how stupid I was for not living with them.
I made him mad because it hurt my mother.
Now I live with them and he dispises me being here everything everyother breath he breathes.
I'm immature.
I'm unintelligent.
I'm lazy.
I'm worthless.
I'm a waste of space.
I'm coming between him and my mother because she refuses to stop loving me.
I just want to exist.
I don't mind vaccuming, cleaning windows, or even unloading the dish washer if I'm asked or even told to do it nicely.
But don't call me a lazy good for nothing bum because I dont have time to do it due to all the homework I have because I'm trying to meet society's bullshit standards along with yours.
All I want is a nice job I can survive on, a nice place to live, my cat, and maybe a few friends who I can hang out with and be myself.
I don't want outragous riches or to be famous beyond belief.
I just want to exist peacefully, do whatever I'm meant to do and pass on.
Why can't I be left alone to do that?
Mom's calling a family conference tonight in hopes that we'll somehow magically talk all this out and everything will be sunshine and roses.
I feel like she's setting me up to witness me in front of the fireing squad.
I'm packing a bag for my dad's house just incase I need to leave.
I just hope it doesn't come down to me having to move because I don't have a clue where I could go.
I don't have any money.
I don't want to live with my dad and I shouldn't be my grandparents' responsibility.
I'm trapped here and I feel like it's killing my spirit to survive.
harlemrain at 3:54 pm