Tuesday, Jan. 30, 2007
Unknown
So, it's just cysts that are bursting in my ovaries and I'm supposedly okay.
I should be thankful, I guess. I should take my new birth control pills and be happy that that's all I should need to do and pray that the rest of this fluid goes away so I don't have to worry about have the test done to find out if I have endrometrosis.
Thats what I want to do. I want to smile and be truely thankful and pray it all stays okay. But, instead I find myself wishing it were something else.
I keep wanting permission to curl up and hide from the world. A free pass to get off for a while and just hide inside my self. And then I could over come what ever it was, surgery or cancer and feel renewed and truly optimistic and then maybe all the things the normally bother me wouldn't seem so important anymore.
I'd have renewed desire to finish my education and take hold of my life and become something.
I feel terrible for wishing these things. It's not wanting attention for being sick. I don't realy like being the center of attention.
It's...I don't know for sure what to call it. A need for hope, maybe? A need for a break with no true stress and a chance to progress back into life smoothly.
I hate feeling so different from other people. Feeling like my brain and body are wired so differently and I can't function correctly in the world around me. I'm finally starting to not feel so foreign to my own body, but I can't seem to help feeling foreign to the world outside.
I'm tired of this. I'm just so tired.
I guess part of me also hoped that having some kind of surgery or actual treatment would make me feel more like I'm going to get better. I suppose I am turning into one of those people who expects everything to be made better all the time, only I don't trust pills so I want something taken out or something physically done to make me believe what ever was broken has been fixed.
I don't like the pian of surgery or the fear/anixety of it, but I like the idea that after it's done things should be better. They took my gallbladder out and I wasn't so sick anymore and they say if they do the surgery on my stomach that my problems with too much acid could possible be fixed and part of me hoped that if they needed to do surgery on my ovary/ovaries that it would fix all the problems I have with pain and periods and maybe even be a small sign from God/the divine/above/the universe/who ever is in charge that I'm meant to be okay and have kids someday and this really have a future.
I feel so crazy. And tired. Should someone be this crazy and tired at 22? Will I ever feel better? Will I ever feel healthy? Or rested? Or Sane?harlemrain at 4:56 pm