Wednesday, Jan. 31, 2007
Rambles
I woke up today feeling a lot better.
I spent most of last night having an emotional melt down, talking to mom about stuff and trying to figure out why I was having so of the thoughts I was having.
I'm a Highly Sensitive Person and while I'm trying to learn how to deal with it because I have to deal with people and life and things sucking sometimes, my emotions sometimes just build up and I have to explode in a sense and let it out. If I don't melt down externally, I internalize and get even sicker. I spent most of High School dealing with ulcers because I held everything in and while I do still have some problems with, I actually am a lot healthier when I express aloud that I'm sad or angry or even happy and let things out. Every emotion I feel is strong. All the books and websites and doctors who understand being a HSP call it a gift and say it should be embarrassed. It can be a gift at times, there are things about it I actually don't mind or even like, but it also sucks because I seem crazy for not being able to function like everyone else. Noise can bother me, people bother me (not just stupid people even, all people, just being in a room with people can bother me),being touched really bothers, smells bother me, bright lights, basically I biologically wired to live in a bubble. This is a big part of why I seem very unsocial. I supposed it's fair to say I really am, but instead of just being a bitch or someone who hates people, I stay home because it's more comfortable andI can control me environment and have places to hide when I get over stimulated.
I sound crazy. I know I do. I feel crazy sometimes. Some days I would give anything to feel normal and be able to go out and say hello to everyone I meet and go to parties and be wild and do what ever. I'm not sure why I'm rattling on about this or felt the need ot explain. I don't share this often because I feel even crazier when I'm trying to explain this to people. I get funny looks, my own father doesn't seem to believe it and the few friends I've tried to talk to about it looked at me funny or quickly changed the subject. I walk a thin line of trying to embrace it because it is a part of who I am and why I react to things the way I do, but I also try not to lean on it like a crutch. In theory it would be super fantastic if I could hide away in my house, work from home, not have to deal with people unless I wanted to, and just live in my happy little artsy fartsy bubble, but I know I can't do that. So I try to keep it in check and work on build some kind of shell to try and deal with things. Granted, some days my shell is thinner than others, like today I know I feel okay but am at risk for a melt down if I have to deal with too much. I'm still in some pain from all the stuff with my ovaries and all that junk and I'm tired, so being at school will take to the limit of what I can handle without having a break. This doesn't make me someone who's fragile. Yes I'm sensitive, but I'm also fairly rational and an adult.
And I still seriously don't know why I just did all that. Maybe I needed a self reminder.
Our cat is okay. They did surgery on him this morning and the vet says that the mass they took out of him was either a kidney that never formed correctly or cancer. If it was a kidney, it could explain some of the problems he's had in the past and he'll be fine, cats and live with one kidney and he's functioned fine all his life. If it was cancer, they also think he'll be fine. I guess the kind of cancer it was (I think mom said it was lymphatic?) grows slowly and by taking this mass out, they're sure they got it all. So my bubbie cat is something home and sassy and Tipps stay the pair they should be.
I also should be okay. I still hurt some but my doctor didn't seem too concerned, she said that sometimes it lingers and that having one of these rupture usually triggers a period. She scheduled me for a sonogram/ regular exam in February because she say with the porblems I described, it sounds like I could have endometriosis, but she'd have to do a laproscopic procedure to find out. Which means another surgery where they cut my belly button open. Granted it's nice that's all they have to cut, but you get really tired of your belly button hurting. If I have it it could be treatable and could explain so many things I deal with from problems with my reproductive organs to even my stomach and intestines. I'm kind of hoping she'll do the test. If I can be treated and fell better, obviously I'm all for it.
I'm cold and kinda tired of dealing with snow and people who don't pay attention to where they're going (on foot and in cars), but my day is almost done and then I'm going home to work one some more art stuff and to see our cat at the vet tonight. We visited him yesterday and he seemed to do a little better after we were there. He's 14 and this is the first time since he was a kitten that he's been away from home more than 8 hours, so I'm sure this has got to seriously sucl him. Not to mention all the tests they've done on him trying to find what was wrong.
Okay, my hands are freezing and I need to find something to eat and try to figure out what I should be reading before I go to my comics class. Dick Tracy kind of bores me :/
harlemrain at 1:48 pm