Thursday, Oct. 14, 2004
Epiph-a-thingy
My anger for my dad faded away tonight.
It's not alll the baggage I have with him, but it was probably about 1/3 of it.
Th problem though, it that it faded because I realized that I could easily turn into him and at the moment he's on a very scary path and I also started to feel sorry for him.
I hate to see him so miserable.
That household seems to be finding one problem after another and my father in his usual fashion is holding it all inside.
I really hope Kim gets on of the jobs she's interviewed for and I hope that somehow she can help my dad find his way to peace.
I talked with her for almost two hours today. It was a very in depth, scarily honest conversation.
Now I'm keeping my thoughts and beliefs in sync that she won't mention any of it to dad.
I opened up to her to give her insite into what things were like when I was younger and how my dad has actually mellowed quite a bit. I also tried to explain how his behavors seem to me and my opinion of why he does some of the things he does.
If he heard any of that, I truely believe he'd come unglued.
He's not ready to have all that heaved upon him, but I pray for his sake that someday soon he finds it within himself to seek a way to release all the anger he holds so deep down in his soul.
My mom and I ended up in a heated conversation about it.
I value her opinion very highly, but I also know that she still has issues with my dad... and she has every right to.
I have never expected my mom to love or even like my dad again. Their divorce was nasty and things between them never really improved.
My parents were opposites that attracted in a passionate relationship and when the spark turned to fireworks they begane to repel each other.
I can whole heartedly accept that.
Tonight I found my self feeling a little frustrated with my mom. I could understand kinda what she was trying to do, but wasn't really in the mood for all the advice she was giving.
It was strange though I kinda realized before that all this advice was ok, because I was also mad at my dad. But tonight I don't think she saw that I was trying to show her that I let that go.
I am seriously not angry at anything now
My dad was the last person I needed to give up anger with.
I felt kinda bad I didn't know how to explain what I was feeling to her and she seemed to get the impression that I was upset with her, but I really wasn't. I'm just not used to not wanting her advice I guess.
Tonight was actually kinda fun. Everyone was in good spirits and I was a little more at ease with the whole "Party with Tony, Tony's girlfriend/wife lady, Tony's dad and Tony's other kids" thing.
They're actually fairly nice people and you can tell they all care about the girls.
My dad was in pretty high spirits, but I could still feel the anger he had pushed down to have fun tonight.
That really scares me to feel that much anger from one person.
I did offer to babysit tomorrow if Kim needed me, and now I feel kinda guilty, but I'm hoping it works out that she doesn't need me.
It sounds absolutely fantastic to me to sleep till about 2 or 3 before getting up to do homework.
And on that note I think sleeping sounds like the best thing in the world right now.
harlemrain at 11:06 pm