Friday, Oct. 15, 2004
Daddy
Kim talked to my dad.
She informed me by letting me know, "You're dad told me to tell you that you have an e-mail."
I've discussed his e-mails to my mom, so needless to say my stomach twisted into knots and nearly shot out of my rear end.
I spent all night last night and the wee hours of this morning wondering what she was going to do with all the information I gave her.
I think part of me opened up about my issues with my dad because I knew she'd probably talk to him. The surface part of my mind however was freaking out.
Surely he wouldn't send me an angry, hateful e-mail, confirming my deepest fears that my father truely is disappointed in me.
I started shaking as I opened my e-mail, then started sobbing as I scanned down and saw "Life" in the title section next to my father's name.
My mind reeled back to the numerious "That's Life" lectures I had in High School. I felt the all to familiar lump in my throat. I was almost positive a few times I was going to choke to death on that damn lump of tears and pain.
I opened it.
I got nothing I expected and everything I've ever wanted.
He told me how much he loved me, how proud he is of me, he explained why he was so upset about my not having insurance, and his fears about my leaving for Ohio.
He also said he was thankful that I was going with me mom. He knows she'll protect me, watch out for me, and help me.
He also talked about my mom and his past relationship with her. He said that he still and would always love her for being my mother and expressed regret over the fact that they never had a chnce to reslove some of this issues and thus they've reached a point where his views are often tainted by his anger towards her.
He promised to always be there if I needed him and that if I needed to talk to him, I should ask himt o sit down with me and let him know what I was feeling.
I don't have any idea how to respond to this.
I want to, I need to. He deserves a responce to this, to kow how much it means to me and how much I love him and that he'll always be my daddy. I just don't know how to write or type all of that.
I kow he works late tonight and we both have plans for Saturday, so I'm hoping that maybe Sunday I can go see him.
I know I'm taking a chance and making myself very vunerable by talking to him in person, but I'm so muddled I don't know how weel I could express my feelings in written word.
My overwhelming want right now is to be able to hug him and tell him how I love him. That he'll always be my daddy, not just my dad, or my father, but my daddy.
I also want to try and explain my reasoning for a few of the issues we've had conflict over resently. I really want to tell him that he'll never ever ever have to worry about me going away, to Ohio or anywhere else, and leaving him. I'll always need him, I'll always reach out to him, and, even though in the past he never really seemed to take me seriously on this because I was a child, if he needs anything from me I'll be there for him.
God, theres so much to take it and respond to.
Maybe after I have time to think about it all I can figure out how to express it to him.
God it feels so good to let go of the past and know that I still have him.
harlemrain at 12:19 pm