Friday, Feb. 13, 2004
And for the state I'm in, I'm still alone
I didn't get to go to the record store today.
Instead I spent a chunk of my afternoon with my maternial grandparents helping my grandpa lug in groceries.
It wasn't so bad this time, apparently Grandma had been informed through the grapevine that she hurt my feelings during Thanksgiving, so for the first time in about 5 years or so, she put on company manners and made an effort to be civil.
I didn't stay long because mom did make it clear that if I agree to do groceries I refuse to stay longer than a small amouth of time after we're done because my grandma's usualy negative-ness makes me sick for about two days after being around her.
I came home and immediately went back to bed feeling like a after a small nap I could probably be in good spirits tonight.
I was woken up by the creepy Orkin guy.
I finally became lucid around 6:30 and went up stairs and actually felt pretty good.
But somewhere between mom feeling bad and him being whatever the hell he's being, I started feeling like crap again and now am sitting here angry and to tell you the truth, I don't really know what I have to be angry for.
Upstairs I just wanted to cry.
My mom made a comment that I'm fairly sure she didn't mean the way it sounded and though I tried really hard not to take it heart, I couldn't help but feel like she was telling me the break down she was trying to prevent would be my fault because I'm so unbearable to be around.
The later, I don't know why, but I felt compelled to ask Ernie for a hug. I didn't figure hed give me one, and when he told me no I was expecting it. But I still wanted to cry.
*heavy sigh*
I don't know why I'm so unhappy. It seems like the harder I try to be happy the more unhappier I get.
What I'd love more than anything is to be left the hell alone.
I don't mind other epople in the room, actually I'd rather have someone there, but I don't want to talk about my "problems" or things that have to be done or should be done.
What I would like...need is juse someone to sit with me and watch TV or a movie.
Just hang out with me.
I've tried it a few times this week with mom, but it never lasts long because she needs to go to bed.
Even the Baz won't lay still long enough to bond.
I feel so lonely.
So far this week basically noone's really tried to talk to me unless they wanted to bitch about something, nag about something, be entertained so they can forget their own troubles or just generally talk about some kind of problem.
I don't feel like anyone likes me .
Granted I've been a bit irritable lately, but part of me wonders if part of that could be from feeling so alieniated from everyone.
harlemrain at 10:39 pm