Tuesday, Apr. 20, 2004
"Maybe tomorrow I'll feel a different way,but here is my delusion, I don't know what to say..."
Riddle me this, why am I relating strongly to the pissed off Bon Jovi songs?
I'm not talkin just diggin the soungs, I mean realting to them because I'm mad.
No not just mad, I'm flat out, mother fuckin, gonna knock somebody on their ass and beat the crap out of em, wanna fuckin scream until my voice is gone, sob like an angry baby, dammit all to hell, PISSED OFF!
Could it be, am I finally feeling "teen angst"??
This is seriously perplexing me.
On one hand I feel awesome, like I could take on the world and actually win.
Kick ass and take names.
Ohio here I fucking come!
On the other hand, I'm nervous about what stupid shite I could end up doing as the result of this new anger.
That's another point..where the hell did this come from?
Did I just finally tap into anger I've been haboring inside for a while or am I becoming on of those people I bitch about who are angry for no damn good reason?
I mean it yos, I'm seriously angry here.
I wanna scream at the top of my lungs, cry, beat some body up, basically anything I can to burn this angry, firey energy.
I'm thinking I tapped into something because when I get seriously pissed off sitting here in my turny computer chair, my thoughts pretty much always go back to my dad.
This conserns me to.
Yes I have issues with my dad.
Yes my dad and I have an odd relationship and he has little idea what everything I feel towards him, but is that really a reason to be so angry I visualize screaming at him at the top of my lungs and seriously wish I had a punching bag to hit and scream at cry at?
I don't think I've ever been angry like this.
I seem fine and then BAM I become seriously pissed off.
I'm hoping this is something that'll pass soon and without me breaking down and doing something stupid.
I'm just not getting this...who am I so mad at???
It's not like I've been abused by society, yeah I've had some kinda stinky stuff happen to me, but so have millions of other epople and I don't see them rockin their angry hearts out to angry Jovi lyrics.
I know I've been noticing some loneliness creeping in and feeling desperate and basically pathetic because of my lack of friends and really any type of an intimate relationship.
But is that a reason I'd get so pissed off?
Could this be the start of my independence?
Is this something my subconscience needs me to do in order to fully prepare myself for breaking the final "chains" so I can survive the move to Ohio?
Could I be mad at me?
If so, why am I so mad at me?
I thought we got along fairly well... whats that all about yo?
Am I mad at me because maybe I'm not who or what I think I should be..or even want to be?
You know what else sucks here?
I've been pondering this so long I'm getting frustrated, of course that ticks me off..so in a sense I'm fueling the fire I'm trying to tame.
To make a bad pun this "burns, burns, burns" my arse.
I just don't get it...
If anyone has any ideas, I'm more than willing to listen...this has me freakin out a bit.
Today on my way home I found myself shouting sing with tears in my eyes.
Angry tears...angry tears of release...tears of feeling like someone else feels as pissed off as I do.
I must have played this song 6 times on the way home from school...
Standing
BOUNCE B-side
What ya gonna to say about me
I ain't already thought?
What ya gonna try and sell me
I ain't already bought?
You wrap yourself in my colors
Ain't I the one you love to hate
You reel me in and run me over
I bend but I don't break
I'm my father's son, I'm a son of a gun
I won't back down
Standing, I'm still standing
I've got my feet on the ground
Standing, I'm still standing
Now I ain't giving in so figure it out
I'm wild and I'm free
I'm stubborn and proud
I'm raising these hands
Gonna shout it out loud
Standing, I'm still standing
You know me, my hands are dirty
Gonna pound my chest
Just as soon kill as kiss me
Do your worst, bring out my best
Don't play for no one
Don't give an inch
Push when the wind is blowing
Hey, hey, hey, hey
I'm a son of a bitch I don't take no shit
I won't back down
Standing, I'm still standing
I've got my feet on the ground
Standing, I'm still standing
Now I ain't giving in so figure it out
I'm wild and I'm free
I'm stubborn and proud
I'm raising these hands
Gonna shout it out loud
Standing, I'm still ...
I won't back down
Standing, I'm still standing
I got my feet on the ground
Standing, I'm still standing
I ain't giving in so figure it out
I'm wild and I'm free
I'm stubborn and proud
I'm raising these hands
Gonna shout it out loud
Standing, I'm still standing
So come on, push me around
Standing I'm still standing
Take a look at me now
Standing, I'm still standing
I won't back down
Standing, I'm still standing
I've got my feet on the ground
Standing, I'm still standing
harlemrain at 11:41 pm