Thursday, Apr. 22, 2004
"Oh, the answer lies beyond the pain,All the questions in our minds, we surely ask in vain,Come along with me, come along with me,Seek the truth, and you shall find another life...."
Hi there.
Yeah, still angry... but thanks to my mom I don't feel so crazy about it (or because of it) anymore.
I tend to forget that along with various physical, psychological, behavioral, and what ever other "al" traits you can think of, I share with her, I also share having a parent that wasn't really there for you.
Granted she and my grandma C take the prize in this catagory when compared to my dad and I, there's still that place in our lives where this person...parent should have been and wasn't.
Apparenlty she was seriously angry at 19 too.
She also agrees that I'm probably preparing myself for our move.
So while I'm still angry, at least now I'm angry with a cause...
You're tearing me apaaaaart!!!
*ahem*
Sorry bad joke...
Actually I think I'm more in a limbo state here...
I don't seem as pissed off, meaning I'm not constantly feeling the urge to snap and beat somebody senseless with their own torn off limb while shouting angry Bon Jovi lyrics through hysterical tears (Bon Jovi fuels my rage...who knew?), but I still have a layer of annoyance underneath my normal exterior that could be pushed too far at any moment and cause me to do Lord knows what if provoked...
It's fun, know I have my normal moodyness and crazy anger.
Anybody wanna be my roomate?
Actually, backtrack on that thought...
I think I actually made a bit of a break through on the way home from class tonight.
I'm not real sure how to explain it though...
I'm still angry... but, I guess I'm trying to use it to see what's inside my shell.
I know I'll get over this (God, lets hope so), but instead of rushing to get away from it, or even supress it again, I need to look into it and see what all I'm dealiing with...
Does that make sense?
I don't really get it either...well I do, but I don't.
Maybe I'm entering a transition phase of sorts...
Or maybe I'm just miffed at my dad.
Anyway, back to the drive home...and actually to school...
I actually had two songs make me think... my trusty Bon Jovi and Heart.
You're prolly tired fo lyrics... but I don't really give a flyin flip, cause this is my diary and my thoughts and I think through music so more lyrics it is.
I listened to this song all the way to school and once or twice on the way home.
I Believe
J. Bon Jovi
All I know is what I've been sold
You can read my life like a fortune told
I've seen the dream, there's no land of Oz
But I got my brain and I got a heart
And courage built I won't let go
What we need right now is ....soul
I restarted this verse like 5 times, this is one of my favorite songs, but in my current state I heard it differetly that I usually do... what really got to me here is realizing that part of my anger could be that..dammit I tend to forget that I have a brain and a heart and when I forget it certain people also forget it and when that's forgotten you tend to lose your voice too...
I can't do this, you can't do that
They feed us lines but I won't act
And all good things will come to pass
But the truth is all you have to have
And would you lie for it?
(Do you) cry for it?
(Would you) die for it?
Would you
I think part of my anger is finding my "truth" or actually self... I know who I was as a kid and who I was as a teenager, now that I'm looking at 20 and "adulthood" I'm scared that I won't know who I am or who to be...
I believe, I believe
With every breath that I breathe
You and me can turn a whisper to a scream
I believe, I believe
You know what you came here for
You'll pay the cost,
like it's your cross to bear
Are we the ones that put it there
Would you scheme for it
scream for it, bleed for it
Would you
I'm going to Ohio with the hope that I'll find myself...who I'm supposed to be...my place I guess... I know my Dad and his side of my family are going to give me crap and guilt for going whether they mean to or not, that's just how they've always done things with me I suppose. But, I know this is something I want and need to do and for once I'm willing to take heat for a decision I've made.
I belive, I believe
Believe we're still worth
The fight you'll see
There's no hope for this world tonight
I believe, I believe
Don't look up on your movie screens
In record stores or magazines
Close your eyes and you will see
That you are all you really need
This made me cry all 11 times I replayed it... "you are all you really need." Can I ever be that strong?
I believe, I believe
With every breath that I breathe
You and me can turn a
whisper to a scream
I believe, I believe
After crying getting a grip after I Believe ended something made me throw in Heart...I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that they along with Pat Benetar are my "Kick ass chick music"...
Now the song's called Back to Avalon
They prolly mean a town called Avalon, there's like 18 in the US... there's also Avalon from the story of King Arthur which was like his version of paradise or somethin like that...I'm too lazy to look it up right now...
I see this more as "I'm going back to paradise" and in my sense "Back to me..where I'm happy".
Now class we obviously sense that I mean in a emotional, spirtiual, sense right?
Good.
Some of this may be more self explanitory than others before...
Back To Avalon
Forgive me I can't stay here anymore
I'm leaving with the tide
This evening another breeze blew round my door and stirred me up inside
I'm breaking out of this tired old spell
I braved it out long and so well
Point example of the self explanitory stuff... This song kinda sounds like the things I want to say to my dad and family, but I doubt they'd really understand... I'm tired of playing
the Lauren they want me to be...
And the phoenix flies straight and high back to Avalon
Now I'm on my way back where I belong, gonna go down with the sun
Back to Avalon
Where I'm going all my demons disappear
I'm leaving them behind
I doubt I could just leave all that "baggage" behind...but wouldn't that be amazing if I could?
I'm traveling way up on the atmosphere cause I made up my mind.
Gonna find my love
Gonna find my life, gonna look them so deep in the eye
My hopes...
And the phoenix flies straight and high back to Avalon
Now I'm on my way back where I belong
Gonna go down with the sun
Back to Avalon
Nobody knows what's inside my head or down this road
Oh I know I'm going home
Again, probably self explanitory...so I'll soare you more of my babbling like an idiot...
And the phoenix flies straight and high back to Avalon
Now I'm on my way back where I belong
Gonna go down with the sun
And the phoenix flies straight and high back to Avalon
Now I'm on my way back where I belong
Gonna go down with the sun, back to Avalon.
So yeah, I'm all kinds of self analyzing,angry, touchy feelyness tonight...
I just hope I can keep this courge and hope up when we really go.
When I first wanted to go it was because I wanted to be with my mom and resented the idea of possibly having to stay with my dad, knowing some of the things he'd require of me.
But now that I've thought and rethought things and gone over everything I could think of... I wanna go for me.
Maybe Ohio's gonna suck....maybe I'll end up hating school or where we live...maybe I'll be seriously unhappy...I dunno
But I do know that if I don't do this, I'm gonna wonder what would have happened if I had had the guts to taje this leap of faith and believe that I could somehow take care of myself and make it in a completely foreign surrounding.
So on that note...if you've made it this far, thanks for reading...
Stiil open to any advice anyone may have since I'm still sorting stuff out...
Have a great weekend!
harlemrain at 10:31 pm