Monday, Jul. 26, 2004
You'll never do it if you never start ...
I had a few days where everything seemed fantastic.
The weight of the world (or at least the state of Ohio) was lifted from my shoulders, I no longer needed to think about health insurance every five minutes and I had figured out that I didn't have to be a full time student. I even thought I had stuff worked out in a way that my dad wouldn't rip me a new one when I told him my plans.
Then it hit me last night... I'm still going back to school...in less than a month... and i have to pay for everything this time...
So after I had thought I was finally free of the stupidity that seemed to dwell within the walls of Cowley Community College I know whave to call them and pled for mercy and pray I get enrolled in time to get the classes I've found to be open as of the last time the webpage was updated, get a final scedule in time to get books and actually get books I can afford rather than a buncha new ridicilously priced ones that I'll have to sell back at 100th of the price paid or even gace the possibility of not getting a book at all because the bookstore staff in their infinite stupidity never seems to realize more than 6 people take the same class.
I really don't like dealing with any of this, but I have to. Especially since I'd rather take 18 hours of school than get a job.
If one more person decides to just chime in and let me know that they just happen to think I should just take my 3 hours of Algebra, or I should go ahead and take 12 hours cause 9 is so close... I can't even begin to think od what I could say or do to them.
I didn't ask anyone for advice. I've explained that Algebra will not happen at Cowley and and I NOT gonna enroll in a University here for 3 hours of math before I most to Ohio. That's stupid and a waste of time. I'm not taking 12 hours because I don't want to and honestly I don't think I could handle it.
When people do the same stressful/bullshit job for 15 years nonstop what do they do?
They snap.
Sometimes they snap and kill people.
So what happens to avoid this snapping?
They take a vacation, they take a break, or they cut back on the work load a bit.
I have been in school for 15 years.
I have busted my ass in school since about the 7th grade.
High School nearly killed me.
College hasn't been a picnic.
I put every thing I have into the work I do whether it be a worksheet or a term paper, everything is done right and to my high standards.
When I worked at Dillons I was giving 200% to work, school and my job.
I still can't believe how hard I worked in that filthy, rundown, crack head, foodstamp abuser, WIC, scumb bag infested store.
I'm not being conceided here, "tooting my own horn", or saying I'm better than anyone at anything, I'm just a hard worker.
I work hard for many reasons. Primarily I learned it from both my up bringing. My mother, my father, even my grandparents.
At Dillon's I worked hard because of the fear I had with my father.
He repeatedly let me know that he got me that job and if I screwed it up it reflected on him and he didn't care for bad reflections.
In middle school I went from a not so great student to a fairly good student with my mom's encouragement. I didn't want to fail her.
In high school all I had was school. Getting A's was how I got good recognition from my dad. It's also how I survived in the food chain at school.
In all this hard work I also put extra stress on myself and get all worked up like chicken little on a regular basis.
I have all kinds of enternal battles because I know a need to do my homework and have to do it well but my natual nature is to be a bit lazy and my procrastionation is amplified when I'm faced with shite I don't want to do.
Buuuuuuuuh
Just thinking baout all this stuff has my stomach in knots.
The classes I'm seriously considering shouldn't be too much work, but I thought that before and nearly drown in papers.
I pulled off a miracle/fluke 4.0 last semister and was thinking I'd take that and happily show it to the people in Ohio when I applied for schooling there, but obviously that didn't happen.
My mom's supposed to have me fuss with it all Thursday depending on how stoned I am after surgery.
Till then I'm trying not to harp on it too much. For the sake of my gassy intestines and ulcered stomach at least.
Yep surgery's this week.
I'm kinda antsy about it. I want to get it over with but I'm nervous with all the crazy what ifs.
You know...
What if the doctor cuts the wrong thing and permantly paralyzes my finger or even hand?
What if he slips and cuts the finger off?
What if its worse than he thinks it is and they get in there to find some huge alien cancer/probe thingy and the only way to save me is to cut my whole hand off?
You know, the usual what if kinda stuff..
I also turn 20 this week.
I'm still not completely diggin the whole "20" thing.
I'm now a "transitioning adult" who's childhood is gone.
I'm raised. Timer has dinged, I'm done.
Next stop complete independence.
Ok, I cracked myself up with that one.
I'm not completely sure why 20's so daunting for me, people are usualy panicing like this at 30 or even 40, 20's usually the "nothing" birthday since its still a year away from drinking and two years after 18.
Maybe its because I become "mortal" so young and know I can't take on the world.
It's odd feeling like an adult child especially since I've never really thought about it all until resently.
I never noticed just how different I was from "kids" my age. At the same time, I don't think I'm all that different. It's perplexing and slightly comforting at the same time.
Crazy.
harlemrain at 12:32 am