Tuesday, Feb. 10, 2004
I'm a little bit crazy, I'm a little bit Rock and Roll
I can seem to get my sorts back where they belong.
It's been about a week or so that I've felt completely out of sorts.
I ache but can't completely explain how ro why, I'm tired but I can't make myself sleep at night, I need a routine and I can't seem to find one.
I just don't want to do anything.
When I finally get around to feel like I can sit down and concentrait on homework, I feel rushed because my teachers seem to want a lot in a short amounh of time.
They're all assigning two or three dry, somewhat difficult to understand chapters at a time, along with article reviews and response papers where I'm left to wonder if I'm doing things right.
I took all afternoon classes because I figured it would give me a chance to sleep during the day since last semester I was finally crashing around 4, but now I can't get to sleep till 7 or 8, but even when I get sleep I don't feel rested.
I'm starting to take this out of those around me.
I'm retreating back to my younger child mannerisms where I'm fussy and all I want is to lay on the couch with my mom and hide.
But I'm snappy so I'm keeping a distance from her, because I don't wanna be mean but can't seem to stop myself, thus making myself feel isolated and lonely.
I don't know what's wrong with me!
Captain Poopy Pants is being a desent, basically good spirited person for the first time in years and I can't stand him!
Last night I wanted to strangle him during the movie we were watching.
We always talk during movies at home. We make wise cracks, ask questions, announce bodily functions, just generally inject random remarks.
But last night I just wanted to watch the movie and see where this series ( Taken ) ends.
But mister kill it if you can't control it was shouting to shoot everything, continiously announcing that he thinks this is starting to suck and is disappointing. It was driving me bonkers.
He also thinks its funny to give me grief of the new reclining chair we got.
Yes I jokingly announce that it's my chair, but he carries on about, waking me up when I'm sleeping by snapping at me like I'm Loopy and gonna just jump up or something.
I don't mind sharing it, I know its a new thing everyone wants to try out. But I feel like he only wants it because I do.
He knows I'm a ritualistic person, I survive by maintaing patterns and (obviously) get very crabky is someone or something causes disrutpion in my patterns or rituals.
My head hurts... I think I've been clenching my teeth constantly and not noticing again.
I just need some sleep.
To top all this off, I've started pondering things again.
Well not things persay, for some reason I have a fixation with death.
Not that I want to die, or plan to harm myself or anyone else.
I just have questions and fears about it.
The last time I went through this, I came to terms with the fact that I will one day die and actually have little fear of dying myself, my only real fear is that it will hurt/ I'll suffer.
How old I'll be, for some reason I worry about my mom and/or dad out living me and worry about them. Particulary my mom.
I worry about her because I'm terrified of what'll happen when she dies.
My moms the one person I feel an emptyness with if I'm away from her too long.
Thinking about all of this the past few days has furthered my sorts being outta whack I'm sure.
This morning I was laying awake in bed terrified that a sick feeling I had in my gut was some kind of premonition thats omething bad is going to happen, and because I've been feeling like such a henious child for being snippy with my mom my mind somehow connects the horrible permotion to my mom and so I cried...for about 3 hours.
Maybe I do need to be medicated...
or just sleep for a few years...
harlemrain at 9:07 am