Friday, Aug. 20, 2004
Great now I'm creepy
I feel like an idiot.
I went to school today feeling more than a bit down from a mixture of the nasty gloomy weather, my emotional roller coaster of last night and the pure fact that it was the first day back to school.
It was five minutes before class started that I remembered my teacher in this particular class is Dr. Libby, the same teacher I had for Human Sexuality. While I didn't particulary care for her tantra, I adore her.
Dr. Libby is... trying not to sound freaky or lesbianish here... Dr. Libby is an amazing person. She's calm, well centered, open minded, serene, worldly, and extremely kind, among many other things.
Just her presence in the room calms me. I can only think of two other epople who have done that to me and one was a rock star I'll probably never be near again, so I think it's pretty clear how rare this is.
I also trust Dr. Libby. Real trust, as in, I tried to show her emotion trust.
That's where my being an idiot comes in.
I was sad when I learned that she was leaving Cowley. I've only had one other teacher that I really felt any kind of a connection to and I never really ever expressed to her what she meant to me or how she touched and enriched my life.
(Crickey I sound like a damn Hallmark informerical or something)
I've always regretted not telling Mrs. Woods what she meant to me and so when I saw that Dr. Libby was back something in me was just certain I needed to not make that mistake again.
So after class I waited 15 minutes while other students lagged behind to talk to her and thought about what I was going to say.
Though she's a very open minded, caring, loving person I was worried about freaking her out or seeming like the start of a clingy stalker or the next Dalhmer or something, I had it nailed in my mind.
"I just wanted to say that I'm very happy that you've come back. I felt the need to express this because I don't make a habit of expressing emotion to people outside of my mom and few close friends, but I've only had one other teacher I felt any kind of a bond or trust with and I made the mistake of never telling her. I don't wantt o make that mistake again."
Nice, sweet, fairly simple right?
I get up to her and immediately start blubbering verging on sobs.
All I could get out was "I just wanted to say I'm glad...you're back...*trying to stop blubbering* I'm sorry..I don't usually like to show emotion...sorry...I'm sorry... I've only had one other teacher I felt a bond with and...*sobs* I'm just g;ad your back."
She seemed to get the jist of what I was saying and thanked me, told me it meant a lot to her and expressed interest in my health since the last time she saw me I was fending off ulcers and still getting my diet and stuff adjusted after my gall bladder surgery.
I feel like an ass. She was probably wondering what the hell my problem was and was being nice just to get rid of me.
I dont know why I felt so compelled to vocalize my feelings, maybe because of all the tsuff with my dad and vocalizing with him I can't do.
I know I probably sound like a nutball, but I assure you I don't have some weird stalking, wanna marry her love for her. To be honest I can't quite explain it, it's not a partent- child thing, not a friend love thing...
Man, I don't wanna be the creepy student.
See this is why I don't speak, I'd rather been seen as a stand offish mute than the creepy kid.
Fantastic job there Lauren.
I'm going to bed.
harlemrain at 12:26 am