Wednesday, Aug. 18, 2004
Dear Dad,
Do you remember that trip we took to Memphis a few years ago? God that was fun. Just you and me enjoying a beautiful city. That was the first time you ever expressed that my life might be slightly interesting to you. You told me some of my ideas were �neat� and �cool�. At the Rock and Soul Museum you told me that kind of job would be good for me, I�d be really good at it. I think about that trip a lot. I wish it had lasted longer, that we could do it again. I was so happy to be there with you. Just Lauren and Dad.
I wish I had the courage to say any of this face to face. I hope someday I find the strength from within to let you know what even though you can�t love all of me I still love you.
I don�t doubt you�re love for me existing, but I have a hard time believing you when you give me your �You�re the most important thing to be in the world and I will never love anyone more.�
Yes I know it�s shitty that I have this doubt, but I have it. I have it because in 20 years you have never once told me you never regretted me and have time and time again shown me what an inconvenience I am.
I�m too sensitive, too plain looking, not fit enough, I don�t play sports, I don�t hold a job and take 18 hours of school so you can tell your friends as work what a super worker your daughter is. I�m lazy, immature, collect �strange diseases�, am freakishly reclusive, and I have trust issues that keep me from wanting to have a boyfriend so that means I�ll never get married and thus will never be a normal person.
All of this is my mothers doing because she messed up while raising me. She should have done a better job. I�ll bet you would have if you had raised me. Oh that�s right, you were supposed to be there. Where were you daddy?
I saw you one alternating weekends and the occasional Tuesday as long as it was convenient for your schedule. When I actually stayed at your house I spent most of my time feeling like an unwelcome guest. Your second wife hated the fact that I existed, resented me being in her home, and did everything in her power to let me know all this. Where were you? You were at work. You worked overtime every chance you could, sitting that you needed the money to do things with me, yet we rarely did anything. If I wanted to see you I had to got o hockey games and see you. Literally that�s all I did was see you, because you were working.
You decided in middle school that my mother wasn�t good enough, you were gonna fix the broken child. You promised me, my mother, and the state of Kansas that you wouldn�t work all the time, that�d you take care of me. I spent four years hiding in a basement alone. I spent four years feeling unwelcome in my own house because I lived with your wife who resented me more and more each day now not only because I was my mother�s child but because I was yours as well. Four years of listening to you two fight and pretend to be married.
I pushed myself in school because the first time I accidentally got an A you seemed so proud of me. You talked about it for two days. So I pushed myself, did nothing but school work, set standards for myself to please you. I got to where I felt completely worthless if I received a grade lower that a B. I received C�s and you told me they were unacceptable that I was supposed to be an A possibly B student.
After I started maintaining grades and then you bought a car you said I needed to learn how to drive and pay insurance on, then you got me a job at the store your worked part time for. I never asked for a car, I never asked for a job. I loathed that job, I didn�t like the people I worked with, the customers I dealt with, I didn�t care for anything about the job. I didn�t make money I could do anything with because it all went to insurance. Then you told me I should be doing things with my friends and hanging out of weekends. You wanted me to juggle and adult life at 16 and didn�t understand why my system shut down, why I was always tired, why I wasn�t �normal�.
You wanted me to play sports, go on dates.
You set me up with Matt and basically forced me to see him. When I tired to ask you about some of the things he was doing you told me to deal with it. To this day I�m scared to tell you everything that really happened because you�ll say it was my fault. He tried to force himself on me in our house. He cornered me in my room and was trying to disrobe me while I was asking him to stop. I never told that but O told you he kept trying to go further than I wanted and you didn�t seem to care. You didn�t get mad until you heard that he said something about you.
I had to work with him every day after that and I wanted to quit, but I couldn�t. I had to pay for my car and if I quit that could make you look bad. So I stayed there, I pretended not to be miserable. But I was, I was so miserable I got sick at work.
I�m not trying to say you�re a terrible father. I just don�t understand why things happened this way. How could you live with me for four years and not once see how sad I was? Where were you daddy? I needed love and support, someone to help me understand things go on, help me through puberty. I had no one. I could have had my mom, but you resented me talking to her. I was only allowed to call her once a week, I only saw her once or twice a month and I felt like a pain in your ass because I needed my mother.
I see you know with your �new� daughters. I see you raising someone else�s children, taking them on great vacations, taking time off work to care for them and spend time with them. Maybe part of you thinks this is a second chance, you screwed up with me so make sure you raise these two right. If that�s true, if I�m so unacceptable, why won�t you let me go?
Love me or let me go. Please.
I�m not part of that family, no matter how many plaques you put my name on and hang above your door, how many pictures you have me pose for, those are not my sisters and she�s not my other mom, she�s not even really my step-mom yet. She�s your wife and they�re your step-daughters. It�s too late to integrate us, you�ve left me out too long. I�ve house sat while you guys went on family vacations, watched your new daughters and had no where to sleep, I was told the only way I�d ever have a room there was if I moved in with you. I shouldn�t have to live with you to have a bed to sleep in when I visit. I�m your child, 20 years old, 30 years old, I am your child and I don�t want to stay in your hose because I don�t want to sleep on your couch.
I see how much you love those girls and think their �flaws� are cute and it breaks my heart. You tell me to my face you like that I�m �different�, but then you e-mail my mother and tell her I�m fucked up and severely abnormal. Who are you telling the truth to? How do you really feel about me?
You don�t have time to see me but you don�t want me to move to Ohio. You don�t understand why I need to go to Ohio. I�m going to Ohio to get away from you. I�m never going to be my own person or normal as long as I have to worry about what you�ll say about something I�ve done next time I see you.
Parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally no matter what. I know you love me, but I don�t know that you love all of me. I don�t think you�ve love all of me since you think you got to know me in high school.
I�ve spent 8 years trying to understand you, relate to you, accept everything you do, but it�s hard to know someone who doesn�t wanna know you. I have feelings, real feelings. I�m a person, an adult person. I have opinions, ideas, thoughts, problems, needs. You don�t seem to see that, to you I�m your daughter you own me I should do what you think I should do, I�m supposed to fit the mould you like and be happy with it.
I see other girls my age and I hear them talk about their dads. They have differences, but they still have dads. I don�t feel like I have a dad. My mom�s amazing, but she�s not you. She can�t be my daddy. Ernie can�t be my daddy. That�s supposed to be your place.
I love you so much. It breaks my heart to write this letter, to have these feelings and thoughts, to think that my dad doesn�t like the person I�ve grown up to be. That my father loves his daughter but very little else about her. That you could be ashamed of me.
Please if I�m wrong tell me. Show me. I�m willing to listen to learn different that what I know now. In fact I�m begging you to prove me wrong. Please, it�s not too late.
I love you.
Your Daughter,
Lauren
harlemrain at 11:37 pm