Saturday, Feb. 05, 2005
"gonna take it back, take back the life that you wanna lead..."
Despite my efforts to be as unproductive as possible lately, I some how ended up working on my tiny room in the basement. Once I get a stool to sit on in there, I hope that little room will turn into a safe haven for me to glue, paint, and doodle to my little creative heart�s content in there.
My office and bathroom still remain in boxes for the most part and I�m guessing my walls will remain bare until at least March. That�s just kinda the pace my unpacking is going.
I have small piles of boxes stashed here and there to remind me of the work I still need to do. In my usual fashion I have the want to have my stuff unpacked, but no real desire to do the work.
So I continue to tell myself �Someday I�ll completely live here�someday.�
I have an unfamiliar discontent settling into my being. No, I�m no stranger to discontent, but this type is new to me. I don�t know what it is, but it doesn�t feel right and I don�t like it.
Part of me wonders if, even know I tried my damnedest not to build hopes or expectations for the beginning up too high, the fact that so little seems to be happening here so far, mixing with my longing for something familiar, some new place to go, and feeling at home are tangoing with my winter/very little sun/very cold/ all I see id white depression. I usually fight a bout of winter blues about now and figured that the land of endless snow would probably add a bit to them, but still this new feeling on discontentment bothers me.
I don�t want to spend the next 3-5 years waiting to go �Home�.
I also miss having my own computer. A staple in my routine since about the age of 12 has been to have time on the computer. I don�t always have to be on the internet, sometimes I write, screw around with pictures and such in Photoshop, when I am on the internet I talk to Woody among others, and generally toodle around the internet for what may stick my fancy or interest in a certain evening.
I have computers I can borrow for a bit now, but they�re way out of my space. I feel trapped in the cold basement where I feel I have to make sure everything I touch is put precisely back where it was when I�m finished.
Being in my own space, following my own routine seems very important to me right now.
I know my way around in the dark, I know most of the noises the house makes, I know where most of the pot holes and squeakiest boards are in the floors, I have 80% of my stuff unpacked and put away so it looks like a home� but its not my home.
How do I change this? How do I fix my unhappiness?
I want to stay, I want to try and make all this work. I want to got o school later this year and see if I can conquer my fears and actually achieve my bigger goals in life and make some sense of everything I want to do.
I suppose this next week I should get myself in motion and unpack the rest of my stuff, whether I feel like it or not.
I�m hoping the factory that now holds my computer will make up their minds on what needs to be done about Howard�s faulty hardware so I can have him back soon.
I wonder if something�s wrong with my hardware, like my happiness program has some type of damage.
Anyone know how I could get a hold of the main factory and find out?
harlemrain at 9:44 pm