Saturday, Oct. 30, 2004
So Far Away
I had an interesting day emotionally.
I started out with panic since my new habit of hitting the snooze alarm in my sleep made me way late getting up and I had to go to my grandparents with bed head.
On the car ride to and from McPherson I felt over whelming alone. As much as I love my father and am coming to love and care for Kim and the girls, I just don�t seem to fit into my family and what really bothers me is she doesn�t seem to care.
I was almost getting the feeling that she was pushing me away.
My grandpa asked me about 6 different times when I was going back up there to stay with him. I promised it would be around Christmas time if I couldn�t get up there sooner.
I really don�t want to leave them, my aunt and uncle, or my cousins.
He teasingly told me I �didn�t have to go� and that he�d fix up my room there all nice for me and I could live with them. He did finally say it was ok when I promised to �take a plane ticket with (me), so (I) could make it back again.�
I realized in the bathroom as I fought tears that he was the first person to tell me I didn�t have to leave Kansas to have a place to live.
My father hasn�t mentioned making room for me since around January when I first mentioned it to him.
I feel sick inside thinking about leaving. I know I need to, I need to grow, I need to learn to take care of Lauren and depend on myself. I need to get away from this lost land of young, un-wed mothers, freaks, and druggies. There�s not a lot of hope for someone my age here it seems.
I just wish my grandparents could go with me or something.
I�ll miss my daddy�s hugs too. He gives the best hugs.
I�m so...scared.
I�m scared to go so far far away from the world I know, scared to leave my daddy, scared to leave my grandparents, scared they don�t really understand that I�m not going away forever and that I�m not going to forget them. I�m scared going this far away and having Ernie as the only male parental unit in my life.
I wish Ohio wasn�t so far away.
harlemrain at 10:03 pm