Monday, Feb. 14, 2005
As we go along
My Chia pig still sits here all nakied.
I was all about getting him planted yesterday, but then my parents' decided we needed a day of furniture shopping.
The Captain makes even less sense to me in Ohio than he did ever before.
He's hell bent on me bring "happy", but it's not really wanting me to be happy simply because I should be. It's I should be happy to prove his point and inflate his ego. Because he believes he's happy here, everyone else should be tap dancing for him.
Well Mister man, sorry, I don't tap dance.
I'm really tired of going in circles with you about this stuff.
We've been in similar places before and I think you'd stop you realize by now that I have some seriously deep seeded issues that are way older than your existence in my life.
Granted I probably show so of my depression and fighting off on virus after another and other issues has made me a bit more cantankerous than usual at times, but dammit I'm trying here.
If we back tack a bit we'll remember that Lauren has just left her all but once family member behind in Kansas, you know that place she's live HER ENTIRE LIFE? She now finds herself in a state where she's seen the sun maybe 4 days, had snow all but maybe 3, and doesn't know a damn thing about the new world that surrounds her.
No I'm not happy here yet, I just got here dammit, give me a fuckin chance.
I also realized yesterday that, it being my nature to resist anything I feel being forced on me, part of my not being happy could be him. I know how childish that sounds, but it makes sense if you know the two of us and how we get along.
I also know that a big part of my depression is my own problem.
I�ve spent the pass few years wading of any suggestions that I try medication to help curve my often twisted and self lowering mind. My biggest fear is ending up like members on both sides of my family who are beyond dependant on their pills and drugs. I also didn�t want to ace the facts that being bi-polar and more than slightly crazy runs strong on both sides of my family.
After I spent last week wrestling with the thoughts that tend to haunt me in the dark, when I should be sleeping, I finally went to my mom and asked for help. I told her that I�d like to speak to a doctor about finding something that might help me.
I don�t want to completely change my personality, in fact I�d prefer if the change were subtle. Like I�m me but something�s just slightly different, pleasantly different. Moments where I settled for contentment with myself are exchanged for some happiness. I don�t want a magic pill to fix everything, I just want a little help in controlling myself.
I also really don�t want anyone to know. I don�t know why, but I�m slightly ashamed. I suppose part of that could be that I sort of liked being on of the seemingly few Americans that turned to drugs to �fix� their problems, I also know how judgmental my fraternal tends to be whether they know it or not and not only is this admitting I�m broken and they possibly went wrong, but it also shows weakness in character and I�m already odd and overly sensitive in their eyes.
I really don�t want the Captain to know. I thought about it for a while, because I couldn�t pin point why and I think it goes back to the showing weakness.
I try to mask a lot of my feelings from him, particularly hurt feelings because I don�t think he could ever really understand just how important his acceptance is to me and I know that he seriously dislikes and attacks weakness in people.
I figure it�s inevitable he finds out though, especially with his insistent having to know everything. �What�s this?� �What�s that for?� �Are you talking to me?� interrupt most of my mom�s conversations in the evenings when he�s still up.
So no doubt so evening I�ll be trying to discuss this matter further with my mom and he�ll pop in with a �What?� �What are you talking about?� or something similar and if we don�t answer him it easily becomes that we�re talking about him, because naturally that�s what our lives revolve around.
Or I�ll ask mom about my prescription and he�ll ask �What�s that for?�
I also don�t want him to know, because I don�t really want to discuss this subject too deeply. I have concerns I�ve discussed with my mom and if I have questions I ask. I�ve thought about it for years and in the past few weeks have weighed many pros and cons and really know that I need help.
He also has a tendency to let things fly out of his mouth at anytime to anyone. I really don�t care to be in a discussion at work or a dinner meeting because the topic reminded him of it.
He�s done it before with a particularly embarrassing Easter Grass story that I was mortified my moms hared with him in the first place, let alone for him to share it with his boss and rest of the company.
And no I won�t share the story here.
I probably won�t tell but a handful of people, if even that many. I had my life line people who know everything about me and I trust them enough to tell, but over all I don�t feel it needs to be anybody�s business.
No I don�t look down on people who need anti-depressants. This isn�t an �Oh god I�ve become the thing I loathe the most� deal� this is a personal issue. Honestly people who seriously need chemical help and know well enough to ask for it have my respect. That�s a tough decision to make and takes deep knowledge of one�s self.
This is Lauren battling fears that�s she�s as crazy as members of her family who�ve spent time in hospitals and scared the ba-jeebus out of other family members.
This is Lauren realizing that the �winter blues� she�s fought off since the start of high school have proceeded to become longer in periods of time, deeper, and more painful each time, and that if help isn�t sought out things probably won�t get much better.
I think that with this little bit of help maybe I�ll be able to motivate myself to move about more and find things to occupy myself and be better off.
In other news I decided to try a color I hadn�t had before and dyed my blonde locks brown.
I like it a lot. Next time I�ll probably go a shade or two darker and I�ll have to get two bottles because, as my mom and I discovered, one bottle covers all but a few spots. So if examined closely it�s easy to see a few leopardish spots of blonde here and there.
Bet over all, for a test run, this turned out pretty darn good.
I plan to get a good picture of it to send it my dad�s birthday card, see if I can shock him any.
I had a hard time finding him something this year. I almost go him a kick ass special edition of Elvis� 68 Comeback Special on DVD, but with Kim not really caring for Elvis and the crazy schedule my dad keeps these days I figured that would be more taunting him with things he can�t really enjoy on his own anymore. So instead I found some kick arse Eric Clapton blues cds and figure if anything he can listen to them at work or in the car.
I suppose I should wrap this up, I�ve spent two hours here and I need to wash the burnt popcorn smell left over from my slightly charred lunch off my hands.
Later taters.
harlemrain at 4:02 pm