Thursday, May. 15, 2003
Thinking when I should be sleeping
I so should be in bed right now.
I've tried to sleep, but damn it, I can't.
I'm gonna try again after this. Four hours is better than nothin.
My eye has developed this lovely twitch. I think it's stress...or someone just thinks I need to be special and have a nervous twitch...either way, its annoying.
Tomorrows my last day of the semister.
I have yet to enroll for fall semister cause I dunno what the hell I need to take.
I don't know what I wanna do.
I'd do general studies, but that has a buncha shite in it I know for sure I'd never use.
I'd got for music, but I think they'd made me do vocal music or something crappy like that.
I love to sing, but I just not a choir person.
In high school it was a pud class I knew I'd do well in and a place to talk to my friends.
I ended up quiting it my last two years tho cause th teacher was an egocentric pig bastard from hell.
I don't think I'd find much different in a college choir.
I was thinking english, but I dunno if I'd get sick of all the papers and crap.
Maybe communications?
I think thats what the wicked witch got hers in and I don't recall her having any math...hmmmmm, something to look into...
I dunno what my mom was majoring in before she broke down and quit.
I'd probably quit to if I thought I'd stand a chance at anything else.
This grown up shit plain out sucks ass.
I'm not any good at it at all.
No one gives you any warning or preparation for it.
Its just bam you're 18 and on your own, "good luck sucker!!!".
*sigh*
I know I have it easier than other cause I have my mom to mooch off of for a while.
But I wonder sometimes if its a henderence as well.
I get scared and run to my mom.
I don't have many friends outside of my internet buddies and my mom.
I don't date, don't go out, don't have anyone to go out and hang out with...
and I don't have a fuckin clue how to remedy all this.
The only friend I have left from high school is Heather...I care a lot about Heather, but I really don't think I could be around her all that much, my sensitive system just couldn't handle it.
My mom suggested I call Jon...but I'm scared.
I've heard that he has a girlfriend now and he also told me at the end of last year that he family was planning to move...so I guess thats out of the question...
I dunno what to do.
I feel so isolated because I seem so different from everyone else my age.
I love my internet friends, I really do, a few of them are so close to me, they're like sisters...but I need someone 'real'...here...closer...
someone I could call at 1 am when I've been left alone in the dark with myself and have worked myself into tears...
someone to go to concerts with
someone to help me like myself enough to conquor my fears of being judged...
someone my age
someone....anyone....
Great, now I feel alone again...
I guess I'll get to sleep now, gonna cry myself there.
*heavy sigh*
I gotta stop thinking.
It only seems to hurt.
I feel even more desperate for a sign that I'll ever survive on my own.
I often make jokes about living with my mom forever.
Goes so far as us comparing ourselves to Sofia and Dorothy on the Golden Girls..
Yeah in the right moment its funny, but when I realize how realisticly it seems that its really going ot happen...
I wanna cry....usually do....
I hear peole around me talking about dating, marriage, having kids, having jobs, having lives, being happy...
I look ahead and see nothing...confusion...
then I usually get so worked up and scared that I cry and swear to myself that I'm going to find something new to do to set me on the path ro fix it, but it only lasts for a day or two, then I get scared of trying something new.
I really am hopeless.
I'm probably the only person you'll ever meet that would pay to go back to high school.
Right back to my senior year, and fuck that was one of the most miserable years of my life.
But, if I could go back, start over, do some things different...maybe I'd be different...better....happier
hell just to see my friends again, and this time take time to cherish them a bit more, tell them what they meant to me...
But what does that matter? I can't go back.
I'm stuck here, now, with this miserable existance...alone and scared of everything.
Last night I started wishing to disappera again. I've haven't had those thoughts in a while now...
I don't wanna commit suicide, I'd never do that. I don't really wanna die, I just wanna disappear...
Fade away like I was never here, no one would have to miss me...it'd be like I was never here in the first place.
God I need to sleep.
At least in my sleep I don't have to think about my reality...
harlemrain at 2:00am