Sunday, Jan. 02, 2005
She's Leaving Home Part 1
I don�t know how to express all the emotions and feelings I�m feeling now in words.
There just aren�t words strong enough or expressive enough to describe my inner confusions.
All I have to really show my confliction is the occasional stream of tears that I can�t really control. I seem fine and want to be fine, but I start sobbing and whimpering.
Last week I mainly hung out with my grandpa during the day and babbled like an idiot on and off to my grandma in the evenings. Christmas was smaller this year, but no one really seemed to notice and the conversation seemed to always stray back to my move and the new state I�ll be in. More importantly how far away it is.
My Aunt Debbie made a remark or two implying that my expressed fear is stupid because the big campus and strange state are �no big deal�. This from the women who lived less than 40 minutes away from her parents for only a few months before she couldn�t handle it and went home were she has since only lived 5 minutes (at the most) away from them.
As the week wound down I became for aware of how close goodbye was getting. I also noticed my grandma becoming more sullen and distant.
On Monday she took a bit longer at lunch than she usually does and even though no one was really talking, there were lots of feelings hanging in the air.
I had no appetite so I pushed half of my sandwich around my plate while grandpa tried to entice me with various sweets.
He finally asked me if I was packed and what time I was planning to head out. I mumbled sometime around 3 so I�d get home before dark and glanced up to see Grandma�s eyes welling up.
In my 20 years of existence I have only seen this woman cry maybe three times and not even really cry, I�ve seen her misty eyed and upset.
Grandpa asked her if she wanted me to stop by and with a breaking voice she replied �Only if she really wants to.�
I couldn�t say anything knowing that the tears I was trying to fight off would be evident in my voice if not already showing on my face.
To change subject she quickly got up and got me my Precious Moments Christmas ornament. I followed her in and we found ourselves hugging and crying.
She was seriously sobbing.
I felt like the most wrenched child ever born, I had done this to her. I�d made her this upset. My leaving home and abandoning them is probably the worst betrayal possible.
I tried to explain that if I didn�t feel this was something I had to do I wouldn�t be going, but I knew that, as she said, it didn�t make things an easier. I was still leaving.
I�m still going to be far away, even flying in will take almost a day.
After a few more minutes of crying I asked her if she wanted me to stop by on my way out of town. I told her it was up to her because I didn�t want to up set her at work and I didn�t know what she felt was best.
I felt my heart break a little more when she looked down saying it was probably best if I didn�t stop.
She told me to be safe and take care of my self and Bazy.
Then she hurried out to get back to work.
I couldn�t control myself and began sobbing again. Grandpa hugged me and comforted me.
He told me she�d be alright and that everything was okay. He knew I�d come back and visit and that I�d never permently leave home.
I felt better knowing he seemed to understand a bit, but knowing grandma was that upset� God I feel so horrible. Like I�ve seriously betrayed her.
Grandpa and I spent the last few hours there putting around and talking about everything but me. He really seemed to understand how much I really didn�t want to discuss the present or future.
It took me an hour and a half to convince myself to go out to my car.
I sat in the car talking to him for another 20 minutes and finally he told me I needed to go and that it was alright.
I cried most of the way home.
I finally got a hold of myself in time to realize that I was ten minutes away from home and had forgotten my coat in McPherson.
My dad was there to pick up the girls since they stayed the night with Debbie so I came home and called my grandparents� house hoping he�d stop by or my grandpa wouldn�t mind taking it to Debbie�s.
My grandma answered the phone and as soon as I mumbled a hello I heard the most soul wrenching sob I think I�ve ever heard in my life.
She couldn�t say anything to me and I heard the phone pass over and my dad came on. I managed to ask him if she was ok and he gave me a flat �yeah� and then I asked him to get my coat and he said it would be no problem.
I then spent the night feeling absolutely sick with myself, but not sure what to do.
I�ve thought about calling her this week, but I�m not sure if that would only worsen the situation.
Part of me wants to wait till I get to Ohio and maybe she�s had some time to calm down. But what if she never calms down?
I�d never really realized that when I thought about my grandparents� as second parents, they shared the feeling.
In a way this may seem like she�s loosing one of her kids all over again and really she�s never had to deal with this kind of separation. The furthest one of her kids has gone is Kansas City and daddy didn�t live there long because he and my mom both got home sick.
Like me, my grandma�s world begins and ends with her circle of family. So I know how devastating this is, I felt like the world was ending when my mom moved to Oklahoma. I also know that because of all this Grandma will probably never understanding my need to go.
I suppose with time our weekly phone calls may help some, but I�m scared our bond may be weakened with all of this.
I really hope someday she can forgive me if needed and understand even a small part of why I felt the need to �fly away� from home.
harlemrain at 12:50 am