Tuesday, Jan. 04, 2005
She's Leaving Home Part 2
I stayed with my dad last Tuesday and Wednesday night.
I was only slightly dreading it. Since saying goodbye to my grandparents, I felt unsure about my judgement in how I and others would now handle saying goodbye.
I was curious to see what would happen between my dad and I conversation wise since Kim started her new job and dad and I would have time to talk without having to worry about interuption for the most part.
The first afternoon I was there we talked almost nonstop and not just our usual uncomfortable chatter, we seriously discussed things between us, our past, my future, our future as a father and daughter. We talked about Krysti, Kim, my grandparents, and for the first time I was able to explain to him why it is so important to me to make this move and this major change.
Even though I was crying and shaking, he looked genuinely interested in what I was saying and understood what I was saying. It wasn't stupid, it wasn't an excuse to do something my mom wanted me to do, and it wasn't a disappointment.
He nodded his understanding as I explained my lamenting and praying. I spent over a year asking God for guidance, going back and forth on whether I should go or not and everytime I questioned going or went deeper and questioned my purpose in life, every time, every single time, I found myself back at feeling the passionate desire for wanting to teacher or somehow share my love and knowledge for music and its history.
I shared that the day in Memphis with him where I discovered I could actually make a living and have a career, a number of careers even, that allowed all this stuff I know to be much more than just "useless information". That there are other people who share the enthusiam I have for music and preserveing its history.
He hugged me and told me that he understood and he was happy for me. He also said that I was lucky in being able to realize what my life's purpose may be or at least the direction it should go, especially at a young age.
He told me that if I ever wanted to come home he would do everything he could to help me, but that I should go to Ohio and give it my best shot first.
My dad finally realized that my dreams are real. He finally saw what all this means to me.
The comfort and closure that gave me on somethings is so amazing.
We talked quite a bit about my years in High School. He expressed how proud he was of me and even his amazement when he realized how hard I had to work to pull myself up to the level I was at by my Sophomore year. He knew I started out somewhat behind, but he never really knew how behind I was in some areas.
He apologized for some of the times he remembered being too hard on me, for not fully understanding what I was going through.
Most of all he apologized for turning a blind eye to everything going on at home between Krysti and I that left me feeling unwanted and unwelcome in my own home.
He knew when I moved out as soon as I could at 18 that the majority of it was getting away from her.
For the first time since she left, he talked about events of the week she left. Conversations they had over the phone when he'd call from his hotel room in Texas, where he was away for training for work.
By the time he has gotten home, he had an idea of what was going on.
Over all we talked about so many things that were long over due and by the Thursday morning I felt completely comfortable being there.
We had a moment Thursday morning where we hugged and he let me cry on his shoulder.
I feel like I'm at a bit of a loss now. I finally feel I can talk to my father and want to spend time with him and his family and now I'm leaving.
I hope I can matain this new connection via telephone.
I'm having dinner with then tomorrow as a final goodbye for the girls since they don't completely understand what my moving to Ohio really means.
Ashley understands the different state part I think, but I'm not sure about Megan.
I'm hopeing its not as rough as my previous goodbyes.
I know all of this is for the best and for once it feels like it will seriously be alright.
harlemrain at 2:25 pm