Saturday, Feb. 26, 2005
Lost in my tears
The tears are back.
I cry for no reason and usually with no warnng. I'll be watching a movie and something will happen, not necessarily something sad or bad, and suddenly I'm in tears.
I cry the most at night. Feeling lost and alone in the dark, wishing I knew what was wrong.
I find myself fighting tears during the day now too.
I have the slightest run in with The Captain and I have to hid somewhere to sob.
I cried while watching a girl get voted off of American Idol.
I sobbed last night for over an hour and I have no idea why.
I just cry.
I thought I was getting better. The switch from the Nuva Ring to my old birth bonrtol was helping.
I had two really good days.
Now I'm doing ok in the evenings around my parents, but I know that somewhere inside me, lurking, are more tears.
I used be ok with the occasional, unexplained cry. I figured my body needed it. I'm a highly emotional person, I feel everything around, everything I say and do involves emotion of some kind, so I figured my body just needed this semi-regular release.
But now, I just seem to sob and feel sad for no real reason.
I sit here now fighting tears.
I don't want to go to bed anymore because that's the most common place they find me.
I need help, but I don't know what to do anymore.
People around me have their own problems or just don't know how to understand this inner me or why she's so sad.
How could they understand her if I don't?
I'm so tired of seeing things through tears.
I'm tired of whimpering helplessly as they take over.
I'm tired of feeling sad and wondering what's wrong with me, why am I like this?
I don't want to wish I had a way out anymore, wish that I could just let go of it all, maybe start again somewhere else, as someone else, something else.
I don't want to beg God to help me let go anymore.
I'm tired of pulling up all, worn out regrets that I can't do anything about, but just can't seem to let go of.
Just stop wishing things were different, they're aren't and they won't ever be.
This is it.
This is all you have.
Deal with it dammit.
Stop wallowing in the mysery and find out what's wrong.
Oh God, what's wrong?
What did I do?
What did I not do?
Did something nor form right...not grow right?
Am I missing someone everyone else has or maybe I have too much of something.
Will a pill fix it?
A surgery?
What??
Please help me, anyone, please.
I'm so lost and alone in here and I don't want to be this way anymore.
I don't want to envy happy people anymore.
I don't want to resent someone I see having a good time anymore.
I just don't want to be this anymore.
I don't want to feel like I'm making progress only to fall further down hill again.
Oh God, help me, please help me.
Help me crawl out of this hole before it swallows me up and I'm trapped here forever.
I don't want to be here forever, I don't like it here.
Just give me a path to follow, help me find where I need to go, what I need to do.
I'm so afraid... and I hurt so bad when I think about being like this.
I need hope.
Hope is so nice to have.
Hope for a future.
Hope for a good day.
Hope for just one happy thing I can do, one moment I can enjoy and have fun in.
Hope is so nice.
I miss having hope.
I miss being able to watch a move or TV without sobbing.
I need sleep.
I can hide in my sleep.
Sometimes the dreams remind me of reality, but usually they help distract me from it.
I need sleep.
I'll try sleep and deal with tomorrow later.
Goodnight.
harlemrain at 1:47 am