Tuesday, Dec. 07, 2004
Deliver Me
Go back one for part two of my first entry today.
This entry is about my current feelings of selfishness and guilt.
I've been thinking about some of the things a certain someone has been saying to me a lot lately and I'm wondering if, even though I'd hate to fully admit it, but, maybe they're right.
I'm seriously spoiled.
I love music and basically everything related to it, I want cds, dvds, books, shirts, what ever I can find that includes music and musicians I adore.
I'm very proud of and cherish my music collection a lot.
I'm lucky enough to be in a situation and have a mommy who understand this and wants to shower her only child with all of this stuff.
I'm wondering though, if I'm taking advantage of that.
I say thank yous and try to be as sweet and nice as I can be(I had a strange habit of turning into a complete shit when I was around 8 and 9) and what ever else I can to show gratitude... but I don't know that I really deserve all this stuff.
I have a suspicion that I went over my given Christmas budget tonight and I still have one more thing I was told I could have and I really really want this thing, it's a limited edition boxset, that'll be fairly popular, thus making it precious and expensive.
Part of me knows if I really want it I should get it now.... the rest of me feels like crap because I'm basically still asking for things after I've already gotten so much.
What the hell is wrong with me???
How did I get like this?
How do I fix this?
I really don't understand where this comes from.
I can't continue it though, but if I ever expect to support myself on my own. Getting accustomed to this kinda stuff is just going to make me broke before I start.
Especially since I find stupid excuses for spending money on a regular basis.
"Oh I got off my lazy ass and drove to Target for the first time ever, I should get a cd." and that cd turns into 40$ worth of crap I don't need.
"Oh I like this one song, I should get the CD." and that one CD turns into 30$ worth of crap I don't need.
"Mom I'll vaccume some day within the next ten years if you let me spend an outrageous amount of money."
I should be vaccuming because my mom lets me live here as a 20 year old college student with no job.
Good god I'm a dumbass. I seriously am. I really need to grow the hell up and realize it's not always my mom who needs to tell me no.
I've made promises to remedy my greedy ways later, no spending for a long time, no asking for things I don't need, chores that probably aren't worth as much as the things I bought, and being a grumpy bitch because I dislike a lot of the world outside my house.
Now its times I take responsibility and realize I'll always want things and I can't buy everything I want.
I can't do this anymore, it's not right and it's not fair.
Maybe if I get a minute with her I can talk to mom about it tomorrow.
harlemrain at 2:37 am