Tuesday, Jan. 13, 2004
"Melody Fair , remember you're only a woman . Melody Fair, remember you're only a girl. "
I was going to update yesterday. I started to several times. But didn't.
Obviously.
If I had updated yesterday, I felt the need to say something profound and thoughtful about the importance of the date but couldn't think of anything to say.
So I opted to take a day out in respect.
Miss you.
This looks like my last semester in Kansas.
My mom met face to face with the big muckymuck in charge of their move yesterday and was asked her biggest issue with moving.
Yours truely got the honour of being so (told you I was the center of the universe).
He said that he didn't want to disrupt my school schedule (I felt very touched by all of this yos, very cool) and would wait until after this semester to get everything started.
"Gee Lauren what does all this mean?"
This mean 2 readers besides my mom that when this semester is over, our house goes on the market and we start preparing to move.
We won't actually move until our house is sold. So with the market like it is, I could be here for another 6 years... heh
Now that I know all this, my casually extreme mix of emotions has gone into over drive and on the verge of inner panic.
My main fear is confirming to my dad and my grandparents that I'm not just seriously thinking about going... I'm going.
They all seem to think that living with my dad is something that would seriously work for me.
Honestly, I am too spoiled by my current situation to live with them.
I like being an only child in my household.
The only thing I can really see from that is that I would be on my own a lot sooner because I would most likely go nuts living there and run away.
Yes I am going to miss my dad, my grand parents, Kim, the girls, and all of my other family here like crazy, but I see this as the one change I might need to make myself an adult.
I can go to this place where no one knows I have a record of being scared or sitting things out and I can start over� hell I can start.
I want to get a job, get my bachelor�s degree, and start working towards a job I can be happy at.
Wichita is a great city, with lots of opportunities, but it doesn�t seem to offer me what I want.
I can�t get the degree I want at the schools here, there�s no need for the profession I want to pursue, and I�m starting to feel that to get my bearings as an adult I need to get away from the people that make me feel like a child.
I adore my grandparents and I know I have a special place with them as their first grandbaby and the only grandchild they don�t see almost everyday.
But because I am their grandbaby , I�m not often treated like an adult. So just as with my dad, it shakes my system and freaks me out when they start the �be an adult� talk. Because it all feels like they expect my to just snap into it.
No one on that side of my family seems to realize or remember that there�s a lot of stuff to learn about being an adult.
A lot of stuff I still don�t know, have no clue as to how to figure it out, and some things I can�t be pushed into because everyone else is ready for me to be an adult.
I just feel like Ohio is my chance. I�m terrified of change, but this change seems like the best one I�ve ever had to make.
Maybe it�s because it�s the biggest I�ve ever had and I�ve had to sike myself up (or out) like this because if I dreaded it like I do other changes my heart would explode from the sheer panic.
So yeah, going to Ohio sooner than I thought.
I had a nice dream the night before last.
As usual it has my normal dream weird factor, this night I was a member of MTV�s Real World (the only �reality TV� I really watch cause I like it).
It was fairly realistic in the fact that I was the only house member not in the middle of the action cause I don�t drink, smoke, or party, and really have no desire to.
It was decided that we were all going to go swimming.
As a rule, I don�t swim in front of strangers. I feel it�s my duty as an unfit American not to make people see me in a bathing suit.
What was nice is that as I was interacting with these people I started feeling comfortable and actually grew to not just accept my body, but like it.
I even woke up with the feeling of liking my body.
Granted it lasted only a few hours and I�m back to wearing six layers to cover my fat rolls, but it was nice to have that moment of acceptance for myself.
Gave me some incentive to work towards my goal weight and finding happiness with my body because Oprah�s right, it feels great being happy in your skin.
Wow, you still here? That�s dedication yo. I think I�m done now.
�
�
�
�
�
�
�
�
Yeah I�m done.
harlemrain at 1:09 pm