Wednesday, Dec. 01, 2004
Holiday Guilt
To save everyone, myself included, from a long, whiny entirely too long entry about my not so fantastic Thanksgiving break I'll just say this...
Thanksgiving, you ungrateful bitch, I am so over fighting for your rights to be celebrated before people break out the Christmas stuff. In fact, next year, I just may skip you all together and break out the tree the day after Halloween. Hows that sound punk? Oh yes, I am soooo serious this time. Its over for us, I'd rather watch a years worth of annoying Christmas commericals than waste another breath trying to explain why you were supposed to be such a precious holiday. Frickin bastage.
Now that that's finished on with the Christmas season.
Christmas in a complicated Holiday for me. I love the smells of food cooking, the snow, the decorations, giving gifts, just the general feeling of the holiday. I try so hard to stay in the happy, love one another spirit, but really I tend to fill up with a lot of guilt.
Being an only child I do get spoiled. Especially since I have a mom who feels guilty for some of the things we went though in our past and wants to give me every thing she can wrapped in pretty paper and bows.
The past five years or so she has been giving me an alotted amount of money (none of your beewax how much thankyouverymuch, we'll just say it's more than I deserve) and lets me get what I really want and know Ihave no hope of getting else where and then she wraps it and i get all christmas day.
Now I am fully aware that my mom wouldn't give me more than she could afford to, and even though she doesn't very often, she can tell me no when it comes to buying things and I would accept it without complaint, but I still full seriously guilty.
I spent a small piece of it tonight on Amazon and my tummy was in all kinds of knots.
I suppose part of this comes from growing up poor. We never went without the things we needed and I remember being very happy with her, but I also remember way few gifts under the tree.
I do my best to show I'm grateful for my gifts now, I say a thousand thank yous, I squeal with glee when I finally have everything, and do chores at times in payment, but I still feel guilty when I want something.
I can't seem to completely justify getting all the stuff I do.
Maybe this year I can show some self control and not spend it all at once.
On the other hand I find it hard to find gifts for people.
I love giving gifts. I like the feeling of the finding that perfect gift, wrapping up in pretty paper with ribbons and then seeing how happy it makes the person you give it to.
I don't like feeling hassled into giving gifts to every single person I know, and I really really don't like feeling obligated to give everyone i know gifts.
Case in point, my Aunt Debbie and Family. I adore my couins, and love my Aunt and Uncle a lot. When I was little I spent half of my weekends at Grandma and Grandpa B's with Aunt Debbie and Company. For the past few years I have felt guilty because I don't get them gifts. I feel like I should, but I don't have a lot of money at my disposal and I never know what to get them.
From her I usually get left over Mark Kay products and clothing it should be obvious I'll never wear.
I don't really like Giving my step-sister's gifts because I've seen how they treat their stuff. Yes I remember being a kid and not everything was put away or taken care of, but these girls don't take care of anything. I've yet to see one game that isnt missing half the pieces or doesn't have the game board ripped in half and to boot, they First over EVERYTHING.
But it doesn't seem right to get gifts for my parents and grandparents and not everyone else.
Feeling guilty sucks, but I don't really know what to do about it.
I promise myself every year it will be better once I get a job.
Maybe I could cut the presents down this year, smaller gift cards and trinkets...
But is it vane to give people things to remember me by since I'm moving?
I know I'd like it, but I like a lot of things others don't.
Maybe I'm just destined to be full of guilt.
I need to do my homework before I have late work on my already packed conscience.
harlemrain at 1:05 am